It's Just a Miscarriage..

Miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss...These are three common terms used by the medical field to explain the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. All three words cause pain in my heart, even after several years. Why? Because I lost three babies to miscarriage. Some people think miscarriages are no big deal. Miscarriage is so "common," that most women don't properly grieve the loss of their babies.

Infertility is something I struggled with for years, and getting pregnant seemed impossible, but it happened. The joy in my heart was abundant when after two pregnancy losses, I became pregnant once again. The pregnancy progressed, and I was considered high risk. I had blood work, and several ultrasounds which confirmed the pregnancy to be viable and healthy. At 12 weeks, my Doctor encouraged me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Somehow I could not and intuitively knew something was wrong. I went in to my doctor for an another ultrasound and at 14 weeks, my worst fears were confirmed. The beautiful baby I had seen on the ultrasound monitor so many times, alive and kicking, with a beating heart was no longer alive. My doctors were dumbfounded and I sobbed on the table in disbelief.

This past Saturday, August 17, was my due date and my daughter Grace Faith would have been have six years old. Each year I go to a special place alone and release Happy Birthday balloons to her and to the other two babies I lost. It may seem weird to some that I choose to remember this date and commemorate such an event, but for me, it is healing.

You may wonder why I am writing about this issue? Over the years, my heart has hurt as many women who were aware of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage, also shared their stories. Many also share how old their children would be, if they had been carried full term. When I lost my babies, people told me "it's just a miscarriage." I'm sure these "well meaning" people did not understand the sting their words held. For me and countless other women, it was never "just a miscarriage." These babies were real. Our bodies changed, and we knew of that sweet precious angel in our wombs. Many (like me) had the privilege of seeing the baby's heart beat and move around during ultrasounds. Either way, our sweet babies were real and we loved them.

If you lost a baby to miscarriage, your pain and your loss are real. It is okay to remember your due date and to think about what that child would have looked like. It is perfectly acceptable to commemorate your loss. Your child was real and your love for that baby was genuine.

I invite you to share your story, if you would like. You can share it here, or if you would like to do so in private, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com. Our babies should not be forgotten and thankfully, we have the joy of knowing they are in Heaven waiting for us!

Why I LOVE My Birthday!

Some people dread their birthdays and feel sad and depressed about getting older. Maybe I am weird, but I love my birthday! Today has been a great day so far and I feel extremely blessed. Thank you to all my friends and family who wished me a Happy Birthday. It means so much and each text, phone call, and Facebook post has made me smile and feel very special.

I started a new tradition today as I woke up to year 39. I made a list of 38 great blessings in my life and on this list I included some really cool things God did in the 38th year of my life. I will share a few of them with you.

1. My relationship with God - I have to admit this relationship has been a roller coaster over the last two years. I have questioned God about so many things and tried to understand and find Him in the midst of heartache, heartbreak and trial. What I have concluded is that understanding God and His ways rarely gets us anywhere. Instead, I am learning to simply surrender and let Him move in my life the way He wants.  I am thankful for God's grace as He has listened to many rants, raves and heard a whole lot of cuss words from me over the last few years. God is good!

2. My Boys - I often brag on Noah and Caleb, but they are incredible! My boys endured huge changes in their lives over the last two years, yet they are happy and healthy. I won't go so far as to say that things have been perfect; parenting them has presented challenges. Noah and Caleb are loyal, caring, kind and generous. They have a heart for other people and I have no doubt both of my boys will do incredible things in their lifetime.

3. My Friends - Wow! I am blessed with the most incredible friends. My friends have different backgrounds, career paths and personalities, but the one thing all of them have in common is that they have huge hearts. My friends have listened to me cry, endured angry rants, made me laugh until I spewed liquid out of my nose, and kicked my butt! I am so grateful for these people who have stuck it out with me and cheered me on in my journey.

4. My Job - I love my jobs! My work as a therapist brings me life and I feel so honored to walk with people along the most difficult journey. I work with an incredible team of therapists who make me a better therapist. I also count it an honor to teach Psychology courses, and love watching my students grasp concepts. My jobs rock!

5. My Big Loud Laugh - I love to laugh and laugh loud. I am so thankful that even in the midst of difficulty, I did not lose my very warped sense of humor. I laugh a lot and this brings me life. I am sorry if I ever hurt your ears. :).

6. Healing - I think the theme of my 38th year was healing. This healing hasn't come without hard work, many tears and sheer determination. God has done incredible healing in my heart, mind and soul. If you have gone through a horrible trial, choose forgiveness. Choose to let God heal your heart and never, ever let bitterness take root. You will never go wrong by choosing forgiveness. Choose freedom and choose healing!

To all of you who have prayed for me and my boys, I want to say THANK YOU!! Those prayers and encouraging words sustained us and I am happy to say that we are doing well. I would so appreciate your continued prayers. Thank you for being my friends and for loving me. You helped make my 38th year pretty amazing. I am so stoked about year 39!! I have no doubt I will be able to quickly list 39 incredible blessings next year as I approach....Holy cow, I'll be 40!! (excuse me as I deal with a few heart palpitations). Well, for now I'm still 39 and I will live it to the fullest.

Okay, isn't time for something birthday cake and ice cream? My name is Angie and these are my confessions...