A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have refrained from writing over the last several weeks because I have experienced a series of unfortunate events. Car repairs, financial strain, job issues, and some medical concerns with one of my sons has left me depleted. I typically write positive, upbeat blogs because there is enough negative we hear each day and my desire is that people find hope and encouragement from my posts. Today's post is raw, but it is real.

I have been pretty upset with God over the last few weeks. Maybe you just read that statement and are shocked that I would admit frustration with God, but I am sure (at certain points in your life) you have experienced your own anger at God. The last few years of my life have been wrought with devastation, heartbreak, pain and loss. Frankly, I'm pretty tired and battle worn.

Some days I still wake up and wonder what the heck happened to my life? I miss ministry, I miss the church we planted, I miss the people who were in our church, I miss the house I used to live in, I miss having a whole family, I miss two incomes. Sometimes, I miss my old life.

Pain and deep loss are difficult to overcome. I have found that just when I work through one layer, another layer awaits me. Yet peeling through the layers is necessary and is where deep healing occurs. It's a brutal process, but I believe it is worth it. Allowing God to peel through my layers of pain is preparing me for the next step. God is not finished with me yet! I am on a journey to find purpose, even in the midst of the pain.

There can be purpose to pain. The purpose may be that we feel entitled to be mean and bitter. (I hope that all of us find more purpose that). Finding purpose in the middle of our pain doesn't mean that we skip through the daisies, so excited that tragedy hit our lives. It can mean WE make the choice to allow God to refine us, peel through our layers, heal us completely and allow Him open doors to share hope with other people.

I memorized this Scripture a year ago and am clinging to it as I allow God to peel away my layers. Isaiah 43:19 (NLT) says, "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Perhaps you experienced a series of unfortunate events that left you angry and battle torn. Maybe God is peeling through your painful layers and you are weary and raw. If so, let the peeling and healing commence! Because when we surrender to God and allow Him to work in us, pathways of restoration WILL happen. Those "series of unfortunate events" can lead to a series of incredible open doors. When that happens, there is purpose to the series of unfortunate events.

If you are experiencing pain and tragedy, God is doing something new and is carving a pathway through your wilderness. The wasteland is the perfect backdrop for a beautiful new landscape to be created. That series of unfortunate events can lead to a whole new exciting chapter!

You Just Never Know....

As a Professional Counselor, I was trained to understand the human brain and behavior. I was trained to have a "poker face," so that when clients share their shocking or horrific stories, I can remain calm and in control. I was trained to leave my work at work, and NOT to bring it home.

On the other hand, I was born with a big heart for other people.  I was given a gift of compassion and a desire to be kind and love people. I find such fulfillment in helping others.

So, how can these two realities coexist? How can I be a professional who leaves her work at work, maintains a professional appearance and yet remain true to who I naturally am as a person?

Since this blog is all about confessions...well I must confess, I have found this to be quite the struggle this week. There are a few clients who worry about, when I am not at work. There have been many times I have awakened in the middle of the night concerned about my clients. Last night was one of those nights..

Yesterday at our office, we received news that a teenage girl from a High School here in Parker committed suicide. A room full of counseling professionals were stunned, saddened and sickened. I began to comb through my list of clients, hoping and praying it wasn't one of mine. Thankfully, it was not, but I still had to leave my office and walk around to compose myself. As I walked outside, I sobbed as I thought about the young girl who took her own life. How was it that she felt so alone and so hopeless that she resorted to suicide? More questions followed as I thought about my caseload and wondered if I am doing enough as a therapist. Do I provide enough empathy? Should I try different techniques? Are any of my patients on the verge of taking their own lives? What more can I do to ensure none of my clients take their own lives?

I continued to wrestle with these questions the rest of the day and evening. Finally, I came to this conclusion: you just never know. I have studied suicide and read stories from people who contemplated taking their own life. Many reported that if ONE person smiled at them on the day they planned to kill themselves, they didn't follow through with the suicide on that day.

I am a competent professional, trained to help people with mental health issues, but it may not be enough. Still, the news of this suicide puts my job into perspective and motivates me to check my issues at the door, and to be ready to fully engage with my clients. Yes, there is that part of me that wants to throw my hands up and say, "forget it," but somehow I cannot. Why? Because I just never know when one of my clients may be on the verge, and that somehow being able to spend an hour in a safe place with a caring person could make the difference.

You may not be a professional counselor, but everyday you encounter people who are hurting and who are on the brink. Just a smile, a kind word or a little help may be just enough to keep them from following through with a plan to take their own life. It may sound dramatic and maybe I'm a little raw from some tough cases this week and from the heart wrenching news of a teen girl who felt she had no hope.

Still, you just never know.... So may we all be reminded to be kind, smile at a stranger, help a Mom at the store who is juggling four kids, take time to listen to a lonely elderly gentleman who wants to tell a story. Never with hold love and never be afraid to tell those people in your life how you feel. Because you just never know....

My name is Angie and these are my confessions....

It's Just a Miscarriage..

Miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss...These are three common terms used by the medical field to explain the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. All three words cause pain in my heart, even after several years. Why? Because I lost three babies to miscarriage. Some people think miscarriages are no big deal. Miscarriage is so "common," that most women don't properly grieve the loss of their babies.

Infertility is something I struggled with for years, and getting pregnant seemed impossible, but it happened. The joy in my heart was abundant when after two pregnancy losses, I became pregnant once again. The pregnancy progressed, and I was considered high risk. I had blood work, and several ultrasounds which confirmed the pregnancy to be viable and healthy. At 12 weeks, my Doctor encouraged me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Somehow I could not and intuitively knew something was wrong. I went in to my doctor for an another ultrasound and at 14 weeks, my worst fears were confirmed. The beautiful baby I had seen on the ultrasound monitor so many times, alive and kicking, with a beating heart was no longer alive. My doctors were dumbfounded and I sobbed on the table in disbelief.

This past Saturday, August 17, was my due date and my daughter Grace Faith would have been have six years old. Each year I go to a special place alone and release Happy Birthday balloons to her and to the other two babies I lost. It may seem weird to some that I choose to remember this date and commemorate such an event, but for me, it is healing.

You may wonder why I am writing about this issue? Over the years, my heart has hurt as many women who were aware of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage, also shared their stories. Many also share how old their children would be, if they had been carried full term. When I lost my babies, people told me "it's just a miscarriage." I'm sure these "well meaning" people did not understand the sting their words held. For me and countless other women, it was never "just a miscarriage." These babies were real. Our bodies changed, and we knew of that sweet precious angel in our wombs. Many (like me) had the privilege of seeing the baby's heart beat and move around during ultrasounds. Either way, our sweet babies were real and we loved them.

If you lost a baby to miscarriage, your pain and your loss are real. It is okay to remember your due date and to think about what that child would have looked like. It is perfectly acceptable to commemorate your loss. Your child was real and your love for that baby was genuine.

I invite you to share your story, if you would like. You can share it here, or if you would like to do so in private, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com. Our babies should not be forgotten and thankfully, we have the joy of knowing they are in Heaven waiting for us!

Why I LOVE My Birthday!

Some people dread their birthdays and feel sad and depressed about getting older. Maybe I am weird, but I love my birthday! Today has been a great day so far and I feel extremely blessed. Thank you to all my friends and family who wished me a Happy Birthday. It means so much and each text, phone call, and Facebook post has made me smile and feel very special.

I started a new tradition today as I woke up to year 39. I made a list of 38 great blessings in my life and on this list I included some really cool things God did in the 38th year of my life. I will share a few of them with you.

1. My relationship with God - I have to admit this relationship has been a roller coaster over the last two years. I have questioned God about so many things and tried to understand and find Him in the midst of heartache, heartbreak and trial. What I have concluded is that understanding God and His ways rarely gets us anywhere. Instead, I am learning to simply surrender and let Him move in my life the way He wants.  I am thankful for God's grace as He has listened to many rants, raves and heard a whole lot of cuss words from me over the last few years. God is good!

2. My Boys - I often brag on Noah and Caleb, but they are incredible! My boys endured huge changes in their lives over the last two years, yet they are happy and healthy. I won't go so far as to say that things have been perfect; parenting them has presented challenges. Noah and Caleb are loyal, caring, kind and generous. They have a heart for other people and I have no doubt both of my boys will do incredible things in their lifetime.

3. My Friends - Wow! I am blessed with the most incredible friends. My friends have different backgrounds, career paths and personalities, but the one thing all of them have in common is that they have huge hearts. My friends have listened to me cry, endured angry rants, made me laugh until I spewed liquid out of my nose, and kicked my butt! I am so grateful for these people who have stuck it out with me and cheered me on in my journey.

4. My Job - I love my jobs! My work as a therapist brings me life and I feel so honored to walk with people along the most difficult journey. I work with an incredible team of therapists who make me a better therapist. I also count it an honor to teach Psychology courses, and love watching my students grasp concepts. My jobs rock!

5. My Big Loud Laugh - I love to laugh and laugh loud. I am so thankful that even in the midst of difficulty, I did not lose my very warped sense of humor. I laugh a lot and this brings me life. I am sorry if I ever hurt your ears. :).

6. Healing - I think the theme of my 38th year was healing. This healing hasn't come without hard work, many tears and sheer determination. God has done incredible healing in my heart, mind and soul. If you have gone through a horrible trial, choose forgiveness. Choose to let God heal your heart and never, ever let bitterness take root. You will never go wrong by choosing forgiveness. Choose freedom and choose healing!

To all of you who have prayed for me and my boys, I want to say THANK YOU!! Those prayers and encouraging words sustained us and I am happy to say that we are doing well. I would so appreciate your continued prayers. Thank you for being my friends and for loving me. You helped make my 38th year pretty amazing. I am so stoked about year 39!! I have no doubt I will be able to quickly list 39 incredible blessings next year as I approach....Holy cow, I'll be 40!! (excuse me as I deal with a few heart palpitations). Well, for now I'm still 39 and I will live it to the fullest.

Okay, isn't time for something birthday cake and ice cream? My name is Angie and these are my confessions...

Happy Birthday, Noah!

I always cry on my boys' birthdays. When you have a baby, everyone tells you to enjoy every minute because it goes so fast. That is so true! Today, I woke up and tears filled my eyes as I realized that my son Noah, is 15. Where did the time go? As a way to honor my amazing Noah, I would like to tell you just how special he is.

Noah came into this world as a tiny baby boy. The labor and delivery were very difficult, but he emerged, chord around the neck, weighing just 5 lbs. 2 oz. He was very small, but grew and thrived. From the beginning moments of his life, he loved the drums. His Dad, Jon, played drums in our church and he would sit Noah on his lap while he played. Most babies would be terrified of that kind of noise, but Noah loved it! Noah was an easy baby and brought such joy to our home.

One of the most joyful memories I have of Noah was when he turned three. He loved Buzz Lightyear and one day, as I told him I loved him, this is how he responded. "Mom, I love you to infinity and beyond!" I laughed and cried because he was so cute! He still tells me he loves me to infinity and beyond, everyday.

Most Moms dread the teenage years, but Noah has been incredible. He has his moments, as do most teenage boys, but He is growing into a quite the young man. Noah is kind and has a heart so big, especially for the underdog. His whole life, he has reached out to other kids that were left out and sought to make them feel included.

Noah is introverted and quiet, but when he talks, I listen. This is because he usually has something  profound to say and extends wisdom beyond his years, that leaves me speechless. It's amazing to me how a young man his age can have such pearls of wisdom and can cut to the heart of an issue with just a few words. What a gift!

Noah's name means, "a gift from God, who will bring peace." He has truly lived up to his name and his presence in our home brings peace and laughter. Noah gives the most amazing hugs and his handsome smile lights up the room. I am blessed to be his Mom and thank God that He gave me a tiny gift named Noah, 15 years ago.

Happy Birthday, Noah Jonathan Hamp! I hope today is filled with joy, laughter and incredible memories. You are a gift my son, and I am blessed and honored to be your Mom. I love you to infinity and beyond!!

It's Okay To Be Fire Spittin Mad!

I'm slowly coming along with writing my new book, "Flowers in the Desert: A 90-Day Survival Guide For Those Who Have Experienced Tragedy." Below is one of the survival tips and an excerpt from the book. Thank you for all of your support and prayers as I write this book!

Survival Tip #13 – It’s Okay to Be Fire Spitting Mad!

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. (Ephesians 4:26-27, The Message)

Anger is an emotion that is very powerful. Most people are afraid of anger, and rightly so, because it can be destructive. After tragedies, we experience a full range of emotions. Sadness, fear, and guilt are some of the most common emotions people experience, following a tragedy. Anger is also an emotion we feel, but most often, we push it down, instead of allowing the emotion to manifest. 

Anger is normal. It is one of the major emotions and it is okay for you to feel anger! Anger is also part of the stages of grief, which demonstrates that feelings of anger are very normal. In fact, anger is an emotion that is essential for you to express. The reason is because anger cuts to the quick of the gammit of emotions, and gives you the lighter fluid to express many of the feelings and thoughts you feel too guilty, to articulate. 

Typically, we will talk about 90% of what we feel, but we hold back 10%. You may think that it’s pretty good if you talk about 90% of what you feel, but the problem is that the real stuff and the heart of what you’re feeling, hides in the 10%. This small part is where resentment, bitterness and hopelessness, hide and grow. Before you know it, the 10% becomes the 90%, if not dealt with. This is where anger comes in and gives you permission to deal with that 10%. 

A few weeks after my tragedy, we moved out of our house. I found some dishes that I never used and had an idea to express my anger. I involved my boys in this process and together, we took sharpies and wrote what we were angry about on the dishes. Then, we took turns throwing the dishes at the wall, in our garage. It was incredibly cleansing to throw the dishes with every bit of force we had, and watch them shatter. We cheered each other on and this became a very connecting event that allowed us to fully express our anger. After all of the dishes had been sufficiently broken, we all felt better and lighter. There was something about this exercise that fueled my motivation. From that day forward, I felt a resilience and desire to get through my tragedy and be a better person. I vowed not to be bitter and that day was life-changing for me. 

Maybe you have some old dishes at home you can break. If not, go to a thrift shop, and buy some dishes. Get a sharpie and write everything you are angry about on the dishes. Then, find a place to smash them and shatter them. Another suggestion to express your anger is to write down everything you are mad about and then either burn or rip the papers into shreds. The point is, to get your anger out and allow yourself to feel and deal with the thoughts and feelings, you have been too afraid to express. 

Giving yourself permission to be angry is crucial in your process. Today’s Scripture verse gives you permission to be angry. It also gives important pieces of wisdom as well. 

1.    Be angry because it serves a purpose.

2.    Don’t seek revenge.

3.    Don’t stay in an angry state.

4.    Don’t go to bed angry

5.    Don’t let anger become a foothold in your life. 

Tragedy places us on a path, and although it isn’t the path we would have chosen; nevertheless, it is our path. We can choose to heal, or we can sit down on the path and refuse to move. Inevitably, we all get stuck and taking one more step on our path can seem difficult. Anger can kick us in the pants and provide cleansing and motivation to continue, if handled in the right way. 

Go ahead and be angry, but make sure that anger is cleansing and is fuel to move you along in your journey. DO NOT stay angry and DO NOT allow anger to take residence in your heart. If expressed in the right way, anger can plow a path to get you back on track toward healing. 

Hmmm..maybe I need some anger management classes? My name is Angie, and these are my confessions. 

Here's To My Boys!

I am extremely proud of my boys. They are my world and keep me sane. I realize that every parent is proud of their kiddos, but I think I have some pretty special boys. So today, I would like to write just a little bit about Noah and Caleb Hamp.

Noah

 

This is my son, Noah. He will be 15 in July. Noah has the most amazing heart. He is kind, generous, loyal and gives the best hugs. Although he towers over me these days, Noah treats me with respect. He opens doors for me, tells me he loves me, worries about me. Noah has incredible insight and wisdom, beyond his years. The empathy and compassion he has for others, challenges and inspires me. Noah's name means, "a gift from God who will bring peace." Noah is always quick to notice people who are the underdog and seeks to make them feel included. Noah's heart for other people is amazing. He is a treasure!



This is my son, Caleb. He is 12, and is almost as tall as me. As you can see, Caleb has a million dollar smile! He is a firecracker, who is full of energy, but Caleb also has a heart of gold. He has an affinity for fixing things and is quite the handy man around our house. Caleb has incredible work ethic. He started his own poop scoop business last summer and made some great money. Caleb also reaches out to the underdog, and has performed acts of kindness for friends in need, many times. Caleb's name means, "faithful," and you won't find a more loyal or faithful person.



When I look at this picture, my heart sings. I truly am the luckiest Mom in the world. My boys have been through a tough two years, yet they are NOT bitter. They are normal kids and have their moments, as we all do, but they are happy, healthy boys who have a heart for other people. Often, when they hear about other kids whose parents are divorced, they either pray for those kids, or figure out a way to help them.

 

I am proud of my boys. They are strong, young men who don't let circumstances get them down. I have no doubt God has BIG plans for my men of God. I am grateful God entrusted them into my care and pray for wisdom in raising them. I know many of you have prayed for Noah and Caleb over the last two years and I want you to know God has heard those prayers. Please keep praying for them! I am excited to see where life takes them.

 

My testerone-filled house with talks about farts, burps, balls and other strange conversations is one I wouldn't trade for anything. Noah and Caleb, thank you for making my life rock! I love you, to infinity and beyond!