Yesterday I caught a nasty stomach virus. It was a good reminder of a very gross, yet powerful analogy I give my clients in counseling. I must warn you, this analogy is disgusting, but it is one you won't forget!
Everyday we are bombarded with emotions, difficulties, irritations, and so on. Most of us take a deep breath, and move on with the day. That is fine for a time, but as life's problems and trials build up, it becomes increasingly difficult to cope in healthy ways. When I assess a client, one of the first questions I ask about is their support structure. In other words, who in your life, do you have to talk to? Many people do not have adequate (much less) strong support in their lives. The result is that they walk around with a ton of bottled up junk, and are using unhealthy methods to cope with life. Basically, they are walking around with a perpetual stomach virus.
I have yet to meet a person who enjoys vomiting, and yet when we have a stomach virus, our bodies need to expel that virus. Still, we try everything possible to avoid hugging the porcelain throne. We take pepto-bismol, drink sprite, and lay on the couch holding our stomachs, until the inevitable upchuck occurs. What follows vomiting is relief. We feel better for a time, but a typical virus has to run its course, which means more vomiting will occur. Thankfully, these types of viruses do not last forever, and eventually we recover and feel better.
The point of this very gross analogy is that life is hard. You will experience trials, hurt, difficulties, and frustrations. Don't go it alone! Develop a healthy support structure of people who you can handle your "vomit." A word of caution, though. The "vomiting" stage of recovery is only step one of the process.
Step two of dealing with life's stomach virus, requires the development of healthy methods for coping and recovering. Think about the last time you had the stomach virus. After you puked, did you eat a big hamburger, or a piece of chocolate cake? Instead, you most likely ate a few saltine crackers, and drank some sprite. Yet when we experience pain or difficulty, the first things we turn to are not the things that are the best. Excessive alcohol use, overeating, gossip, and unhealthy sex are just some of the coping mechanisms people employ during difficult times. These are the equivalent to scarfing down a hamburger or a piece of chocolate cake to heal the woes of a stomach virus. (I hope your stomach is churning right now).
Instead, surround yourself with a few friends you can confide in. Vomit out your woes, but don't let it stop there. Continue your recovery process by implementing healthy methods for dealing with life's stomach virus. Here are few suggestions:
1. Prayer
2. Read your Bible (for crying out loud)
3. Exercise - (don't roll your eyes. a long walk never hurt anyone)
4. Talk to someone you trust (who won't just tell you what you want to hear).
5. Go to Counseling (I'm a counselor, so I had to throw that one in there).
6. Change Negative Thought Patterns - this one is powerful. I challenge you to write down three negative thoughts you have on a continual basis. When these thoughts bombard you, STOP thinking them, and instead counteract that pattern with something positive.
Purging is never fun, but it is necessary. Our bodies have natural mechanisms that purge the system of a virus. Unfortunately, the healthy mechanisms needed to deal with emotional difficulties are not natural, and must be developed and intentional. Our bodies give off physical signals that warn us we need to take care of emotional angst. Next time you feel anxious, irritated, angry, or sad, let this serve as a signal that life's emotional stomach virus has paid you a visit, and it is time to purge. Instead of turning to unhealthy methods of coping, look to your new and improved healthy strategies!
I'm starving! I think I'll go have a hamburger and some chocolate cake. My name is Angie, and these are my confessions.....
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Stupid, Stupid Vacuum
As a single woman, I am strong and independent. I juggle three jobs, am raising two amazing boys, take care of my house and yes, I know how to check the oil in my car. I feel like I do a decent job of juggling all the balls in life, until something breaks in my house.
Lately, a lot of things have been breaking. Take for example, my vacuum cleaner. The other day was a rough one. I had a tough day at work and in addition to everything else, I have some big decisions to make, so I was feeling a little stressed out. One way I deal with stress is by cleaning. (No, I will not come clean your house). I came home from work and decided to vacuum. That plan was soon thwarted, as a hideous screeching noise emerged from my pretty, purple vacuum cleaner. I rolled my eyes, flipped the vacuum over and noticed it was not rotating. This is typically the moment where I get a tight feeling in my chest because I am so not great at fixing things, but I was determined to figure this out. So, I grabbed my handy dandy tool chest and set to work on the vacuum. 30 minutes later, I had taken the vacuum cleaner apart, but could not get it to work properly. This is the point where I so eloquently yelled, "STUPID, STUPID VACUUM," and kicked it across the room.
The ridiculousness did not end there as I reasoned that somehow me kicking the vacuum across the room might have fixed it. It did not. So, I did what any woman in her right mind would. I grabbed my stash of chocolate, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I cried it out, ate a lot of chocolate, all while sitting by the stupid, stupid vacuum cleaner.
Maybe you have had one of those days and can relate. It's a day where you've put out fire after fire, smiled when you felt like frowning, graciously helped others, and gotten through. Then, you get home only to find there are a million more things waiting to be completed, not the least of which is a stupid, stupid (broken) vacuum cleaner. It is the little things that seem to get us, isn't it?
After I finished my crying and chocolate eating session, I picked up my devotion for the day. The main Scripture for that day was this: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I couldn't help but laugh (a little like a crazy woman) at the humor of God. So, I sat next to the stupid, stupid vacuum, ate some more chocolate, and thanked God for everything I could think of.
Then, it dawned on me that I had a second vacuum, I never used. Who has a second vacuum? Apparently I do! I put the stupid, stupid vacuum away in my garage and pulled out the other vacuum, (which is not stupid) and happily vacuumed my floors.
It's the little things in life that get us, but it is also the little things in life that make us. Stopping to be thankful, even in the midst of difficulty, somehow clears our thinking to remember life is still good and there truly is SO much to be thankful for. I still don't like the stupid, stupid vacuum...
My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....
Lately, a lot of things have been breaking. Take for example, my vacuum cleaner. The other day was a rough one. I had a tough day at work and in addition to everything else, I have some big decisions to make, so I was feeling a little stressed out. One way I deal with stress is by cleaning. (No, I will not come clean your house). I came home from work and decided to vacuum. That plan was soon thwarted, as a hideous screeching noise emerged from my pretty, purple vacuum cleaner. I rolled my eyes, flipped the vacuum over and noticed it was not rotating. This is typically the moment where I get a tight feeling in my chest because I am so not great at fixing things, but I was determined to figure this out. So, I grabbed my handy dandy tool chest and set to work on the vacuum. 30 minutes later, I had taken the vacuum cleaner apart, but could not get it to work properly. This is the point where I so eloquently yelled, "STUPID, STUPID VACUUM," and kicked it across the room.
The ridiculousness did not end there as I reasoned that somehow me kicking the vacuum across the room might have fixed it. It did not. So, I did what any woman in her right mind would. I grabbed my stash of chocolate, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I cried it out, ate a lot of chocolate, all while sitting by the stupid, stupid vacuum cleaner.
Maybe you have had one of those days and can relate. It's a day where you've put out fire after fire, smiled when you felt like frowning, graciously helped others, and gotten through. Then, you get home only to find there are a million more things waiting to be completed, not the least of which is a stupid, stupid (broken) vacuum cleaner. It is the little things that seem to get us, isn't it?
After I finished my crying and chocolate eating session, I picked up my devotion for the day. The main Scripture for that day was this: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I couldn't help but laugh (a little like a crazy woman) at the humor of God. So, I sat next to the stupid, stupid vacuum, ate some more chocolate, and thanked God for everything I could think of.
Then, it dawned on me that I had a second vacuum, I never used. Who has a second vacuum? Apparently I do! I put the stupid, stupid vacuum away in my garage and pulled out the other vacuum, (which is not stupid) and happily vacuumed my floors.
It's the little things in life that get us, but it is also the little things in life that make us. Stopping to be thankful, even in the midst of difficulty, somehow clears our thinking to remember life is still good and there truly is SO much to be thankful for. I still don't like the stupid, stupid vacuum...
My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....
Friday, April 12, 2013
I Did Everything Right!! (but bad things still happened)
It should be simple. Do what you are supposed to do, and nothing bad will happen to you. If only life would cooperate and fit into the little mold, we humans have constructed.
I have always been a rule follower. As a child, my Mom taught me that I could not play outside until ALL the chores were done. In school, I was a compliant student who obeyed my teachers. I followed my parents standards, and was not a rebellious teenager. The authorities in my life taught me this one simple rule: Do what you are supposed to do, and good things will come to you. (Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic). At the very least, follow the rules, and you'll greatly reduce the chances of bad things happening.
This little plan was thwarted early on in my life when my dad died. I was only 18. I remember questioning God, but kept skipping along, doing all the right things. As I look back, I adopted the mentality, early on, that if I do all the right things, and follow all the rules, then maybe God will keep me in a bubble and protect me from the Big Bad Wolf.
I see others living by my same philosophy. You hear stories all the time of people who did all the right things, and yet still had horrible things happen to them. There's the guy who ate all organic, exercised, yet still developed cancer. There's the woman who did everything she was supposed to during her pregnancy, yet her baby was born was a birth defect. The list could go on and on, as everyday we hear of tragedies.
When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to click back through the list of things we did right, and the things we did wrong. We spin in this cycle and bargain about how "this should have never happened." It's as if we think that we can change the circumstance, simply by completing this cycle of insanity. Sadly, many people spin in this insane cycle and never get out of it.
We have this endless need to control life. Mostly because we live in fear of the "bad things." Yet, what are we really in control of? Not much! I wish I could give you the neat little formula so that bad things didn't happen to you. I so wish I could say, "do this, do that, and don't do this, and nothing bad will happen." I can't. At the risk of sounding all preachy, (like I have it figured out) I would like to tell you what keeps me from diving off the cliff.
SURRENDER. I surrender to God, at least 500 times a day. The good old Serenity Prayer keeps me sane. Then I think about what I CAN control. Taking those 10 million rogue thoughts captive, is a constant battle and yet that is where the battle is won.
In the end, we can do everything right, yet bad things will still happen. It's a sad thought, yet where would we be if we didn't seek to "do everything right?" I shudder to think! After letting myself run through the insanity spin cycle of "why did this happen," I am going to keep doing my part. I know that bad things will still happen, but ALOT of good things happen too! In fact, as I look back over the tragedies in my life, I see many good things.
I hope you will allow yourself to reflect on the good that has come from the bad. It certainly won't make us excited about impending difficulties, but perhaps a small shift in perspective can give us all the motivation to keep doing the right things.
My name is Angie, and these are my confessions..
I have always been a rule follower. As a child, my Mom taught me that I could not play outside until ALL the chores were done. In school, I was a compliant student who obeyed my teachers. I followed my parents standards, and was not a rebellious teenager. The authorities in my life taught me this one simple rule: Do what you are supposed to do, and good things will come to you. (Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic). At the very least, follow the rules, and you'll greatly reduce the chances of bad things happening.
This little plan was thwarted early on in my life when my dad died. I was only 18. I remember questioning God, but kept skipping along, doing all the right things. As I look back, I adopted the mentality, early on, that if I do all the right things, and follow all the rules, then maybe God will keep me in a bubble and protect me from the Big Bad Wolf.
I see others living by my same philosophy. You hear stories all the time of people who did all the right things, and yet still had horrible things happen to them. There's the guy who ate all organic, exercised, yet still developed cancer. There's the woman who did everything she was supposed to during her pregnancy, yet her baby was born was a birth defect. The list could go on and on, as everyday we hear of tragedies.
When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to click back through the list of things we did right, and the things we did wrong. We spin in this cycle and bargain about how "this should have never happened." It's as if we think that we can change the circumstance, simply by completing this cycle of insanity. Sadly, many people spin in this insane cycle and never get out of it.
We have this endless need to control life. Mostly because we live in fear of the "bad things." Yet, what are we really in control of? Not much! I wish I could give you the neat little formula so that bad things didn't happen to you. I so wish I could say, "do this, do that, and don't do this, and nothing bad will happen." I can't. At the risk of sounding all preachy, (like I have it figured out) I would like to tell you what keeps me from diving off the cliff.
SURRENDER. I surrender to God, at least 500 times a day. The good old Serenity Prayer keeps me sane. Then I think about what I CAN control. Taking those 10 million rogue thoughts captive, is a constant battle and yet that is where the battle is won.
In the end, we can do everything right, yet bad things will still happen. It's a sad thought, yet where would we be if we didn't seek to "do everything right?" I shudder to think! After letting myself run through the insanity spin cycle of "why did this happen," I am going to keep doing my part. I know that bad things will still happen, but ALOT of good things happen too! In fact, as I look back over the tragedies in my life, I see many good things.
I hope you will allow yourself to reflect on the good that has come from the bad. It certainly won't make us excited about impending difficulties, but perhaps a small shift in perspective can give us all the motivation to keep doing the right things.
My name is Angie, and these are my confessions..
Monday, April 8, 2013
No More Hiding, No More Shame
Many of you know my story and are probably curious about the latest scoop on the ex-pastor and the ex-pastor's wife. We are human afterall, and desire to know the juicy details of a such a scandal. I'll give the nutshell version.
Almost two years ago, I discovered my husband (who was a pastor) was having an affair. I exposed the affair, he resigned, we separated for six months, tried to reconcile and eventually divorced. We share 50/50 custody of our children and have an amicable relationship. We have exchanged forgiveness and are both on a path of healing.
I'm sure I have left you with a thousand questions and you're dying to know more, but you won't get it. Why? Because I'm tired of living in that identity. Instead, I would really like to be known for much more than the scorned woman who lost her life in a matter of 12 hours.
I am still very much on a journey to discover my identity. I'm not bitter, I have no regrets and I'm taking it one day at a time. I am strong, independent and capable. I cry alot, but I also laugh. I love life, even though the fairytale turned into a nightmare. I am optimistic and believe there is more.
I've been in hiding for over a year. Why? Because I've struggled with deep shame. Most do not know what to do with women like me. One day you're a wife, mother, and pastor's wife. The next you're "that pastor's wife whose husband cheated." People avoided me and I avoided them. I couldn't bear the looks of pity or the "how are you" questions anymore. (For the record, I hate that question! What the heck are you supposed to say anyway)
I have no idea what this blog will hold. I just know that writing was an outlet for me and I miss it. I just want people to know that even if you go through the most horrific experience (maybe the one you most feared) you will get through it. God will get you through it and even though you may be bruised and scarred, you CAN get through it and be better.
I would like to say, I'm coming out or I'm back, but that's just weird. Instead, I'll end this blog by saying that it feels good to stop hiding and to release shame.
My name is Angie. I'm an ex-pastors wife, and these are my confessions.
Almost two years ago, I discovered my husband (who was a pastor) was having an affair. I exposed the affair, he resigned, we separated for six months, tried to reconcile and eventually divorced. We share 50/50 custody of our children and have an amicable relationship. We have exchanged forgiveness and are both on a path of healing.
I'm sure I have left you with a thousand questions and you're dying to know more, but you won't get it. Why? Because I'm tired of living in that identity. Instead, I would really like to be known for much more than the scorned woman who lost her life in a matter of 12 hours.
I am still very much on a journey to discover my identity. I'm not bitter, I have no regrets and I'm taking it one day at a time. I am strong, independent and capable. I cry alot, but I also laugh. I love life, even though the fairytale turned into a nightmare. I am optimistic and believe there is more.
I've been in hiding for over a year. Why? Because I've struggled with deep shame. Most do not know what to do with women like me. One day you're a wife, mother, and pastor's wife. The next you're "that pastor's wife whose husband cheated." People avoided me and I avoided them. I couldn't bear the looks of pity or the "how are you" questions anymore. (For the record, I hate that question! What the heck are you supposed to say anyway)
I have no idea what this blog will hold. I just know that writing was an outlet for me and I miss it. I just want people to know that even if you go through the most horrific experience (maybe the one you most feared) you will get through it. God will get you through it and even though you may be bruised and scarred, you CAN get through it and be better.
I would like to say, I'm coming out or I'm back, but that's just weird. Instead, I'll end this blog by saying that it feels good to stop hiding and to release shame.
My name is Angie. I'm an ex-pastors wife, and these are my confessions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)