Don't Forget....

I love Christmas! Unfortunately, this time of year is so busy and often, we forget to stop and enjoy the season and the simple moments that make this time of year so special.

All week, I have talked with my clients about their "year in review," and some of the highs and lows of 2013. This morning, I woke up early and began reflection on the highs and lows of my year. As I contemplated the events of the year, I kept returning to this same thought, "I am so grateful."

The moments that brought me the most joy were so simple. Coffee with girlfriends, volleyball in the park, running on the trails near my home, watching sunsets from the balcony of my bedroom, throwing the football with my boys, jumping on the trampoline, making dance videos with Caleb. My boys...I am so thankful for the two young men God entrusted to my care.

Often, I creep in to my boys' rooms and watch them sleep. I sneak snuggles with them on the couch before they realize they are great big teenage boys and shrug out of my arms. When Noah and Caleb were young, I used to breathe in the smells of baby shampoo and lotion. Now, Axe body spray, smelly feet and some good ole' teenage boy, body odor are the scents that often meet me, when we hug. I don't care. I don't want to forget. I want to remember every moment we shared and this thought reminds me to slow down.

As 2013 draws to end, don't forget to stop and enjoy the simple moments. Drive a little slower and look at the Christmas lights around town. Spend the day in your pajamas and play hide and seek with your kids. Smile at people in the mall. Send texts to friends and family, and tell them how much they mean to you. Breathe in the scents of your children.

Most of all, don't forget to stop and read about Jesus. He is the most amazing gift and His birth is miraculous! Emmanuel, God with us and the reason we celebrate Christmas gets lost in the busyness of the holidays. Don't forget...

Life will never be perfect, and 2014 will certainly have it's highs and lows too. Slowing down, and enjoying the simple moments of life will breathe new life into your busy, cluttered life. Don't forget...It's a wonderful life!

Tell It To My Heart

Recently, a well meaning person asked me why my book, "Confessions of a Church Planter's Wife," was still in distribution since I'm not a church planter's wife anymore. Ouch. Her words cut like a knife and I responded in the most gracious and fumbled way I could. Our conversation left me wounded and with a sense of shame. The truth is, I have thought thousands of times that I should pull the book. It is true, I am not a church planter's wife anymore. I'm not a pastor's wife. I am not in ministry. I am divorced. My former life as a woman in full-time ministry seems like it was light years ago. Yet, I can't seem to let go of my passion for CP wives. 

There is not a Sunday morning that goes by, that I don't miss ministry, and the craziness of church planting. Each week, I think of the wonderful CP wives I know and pray that God gives them strength as they hustle and bustle about on their Sunday morning. My heart aches for CP wives and each time one of them contacts me via email or Facebook, I feel honored.

I never wrote my book to gain kudos or make a ton of money. I wrote the book because of the gross lack of resources for a group of women who are heroines. My dream was that the book convey to CP wives they are not forgotten and they make a difference! Church plants would never happen without incredible women like CP wives who stay behind the scenes and work their butts off to see new church plants launch. CP wives rock!

I may not be a CP wife anymore, but I have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. I understand the pain, the frustration, the exhilaration, the toll on the marriage and children, the financial pressure, and so on. I may not be in the trenches anymore, but I still pray for CP wives. I pray for strength, provision, protection on the marriage and children, and a sense of God's presence each day.

My head tells me to stop caring and move on with my life, but try and tell that to my heart. My heart still loves CP wives and longs for them to know, "what you do matters."

"What You Do Matters," was the theme of my book and honestly, I have struggled with wondering if the work and grit I poured into writing the book mattered at all. The conversation with the person I mentioned above, further plagued my musings. Then, I received a Facebook message from someone I have never met, who bought my book for his wife. He told me how inspired his wife was by the book and asked me to write her an encouraging letter, so he could place it in her stocking for Christmas. I was humbled and knew God had sent that person at just the right time to let me know, "Angie, what you did mattered."

For those of you who bought my book, I want to say thank you. I may not be a CP wife anymore, but a part of my heart will always beat for CP wives. I am cheering you on because, WHAT YOU DO MATTERS! 

If you would like to purchase the book, here is the link on Amazon. It is also available on Kindle. http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Church-Planters-Wife-Planting/dp/1456547690/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386703355&sr=8-1&keywords=confessions+of+a+church+planters+wife

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have refrained from writing over the last several weeks because I have experienced a series of unfortunate events. Car repairs, financial strain, job issues, and some medical concerns with one of my sons has left me depleted. I typically write positive, upbeat blogs because there is enough negative we hear each day and my desire is that people find hope and encouragement from my posts. Today's post is raw, but it is real.

I have been pretty upset with God over the last few weeks. Maybe you just read that statement and are shocked that I would admit frustration with God, but I am sure (at certain points in your life) you have experienced your own anger at God. The last few years of my life have been wrought with devastation, heartbreak, pain and loss. Frankly, I'm pretty tired and battle worn.

Some days I still wake up and wonder what the heck happened to my life? I miss ministry, I miss the church we planted, I miss the people who were in our church, I miss the house I used to live in, I miss having a whole family, I miss two incomes. Sometimes, I miss my old life.

Pain and deep loss are difficult to overcome. I have found that just when I work through one layer, another layer awaits me. Yet peeling through the layers is necessary and is where deep healing occurs. It's a brutal process, but I believe it is worth it. Allowing God to peel through my layers of pain is preparing me for the next step. God is not finished with me yet! I am on a journey to find purpose, even in the midst of the pain.

There can be purpose to pain. The purpose may be that we feel entitled to be mean and bitter. (I hope that all of us find more purpose that). Finding purpose in the middle of our pain doesn't mean that we skip through the daisies, so excited that tragedy hit our lives. It can mean WE make the choice to allow God to refine us, peel through our layers, heal us completely and allow Him open doors to share hope with other people.

I memorized this Scripture a year ago and am clinging to it as I allow God to peel away my layers. Isaiah 43:19 (NLT) says, "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Perhaps you experienced a series of unfortunate events that left you angry and battle torn. Maybe God is peeling through your painful layers and you are weary and raw. If so, let the peeling and healing commence! Because when we surrender to God and allow Him to work in us, pathways of restoration WILL happen. Those "series of unfortunate events" can lead to a series of incredible open doors. When that happens, there is purpose to the series of unfortunate events.

If you are experiencing pain and tragedy, God is doing something new and is carving a pathway through your wilderness. The wasteland is the perfect backdrop for a beautiful new landscape to be created. That series of unfortunate events can lead to a whole new exciting chapter!

You Just Never Know....

As a Professional Counselor, I was trained to understand the human brain and behavior. I was trained to have a "poker face," so that when clients share their shocking or horrific stories, I can remain calm and in control. I was trained to leave my work at work, and NOT to bring it home.

On the other hand, I was born with a big heart for other people.  I was given a gift of compassion and a desire to be kind and love people. I find such fulfillment in helping others.

So, how can these two realities coexist? How can I be a professional who leaves her work at work, maintains a professional appearance and yet remain true to who I naturally am as a person?

Since this blog is all about confessions...well I must confess, I have found this to be quite the struggle this week. There are a few clients who worry about, when I am not at work. There have been many times I have awakened in the middle of the night concerned about my clients. Last night was one of those nights..

Yesterday at our office, we received news that a teenage girl from a High School here in Parker committed suicide. A room full of counseling professionals were stunned, saddened and sickened. I began to comb through my list of clients, hoping and praying it wasn't one of mine. Thankfully, it was not, but I still had to leave my office and walk around to compose myself. As I walked outside, I sobbed as I thought about the young girl who took her own life. How was it that she felt so alone and so hopeless that she resorted to suicide? More questions followed as I thought about my caseload and wondered if I am doing enough as a therapist. Do I provide enough empathy? Should I try different techniques? Are any of my patients on the verge of taking their own lives? What more can I do to ensure none of my clients take their own lives?

I continued to wrestle with these questions the rest of the day and evening. Finally, I came to this conclusion: you just never know. I have studied suicide and read stories from people who contemplated taking their own life. Many reported that if ONE person smiled at them on the day they planned to kill themselves, they didn't follow through with the suicide on that day.

I am a competent professional, trained to help people with mental health issues, but it may not be enough. Still, the news of this suicide puts my job into perspective and motivates me to check my issues at the door, and to be ready to fully engage with my clients. Yes, there is that part of me that wants to throw my hands up and say, "forget it," but somehow I cannot. Why? Because I just never know when one of my clients may be on the verge, and that somehow being able to spend an hour in a safe place with a caring person could make the difference.

You may not be a professional counselor, but everyday you encounter people who are hurting and who are on the brink. Just a smile, a kind word or a little help may be just enough to keep them from following through with a plan to take their own life. It may sound dramatic and maybe I'm a little raw from some tough cases this week and from the heart wrenching news of a teen girl who felt she had no hope.

Still, you just never know.... So may we all be reminded to be kind, smile at a stranger, help a Mom at the store who is juggling four kids, take time to listen to a lonely elderly gentleman who wants to tell a story. Never with hold love and never be afraid to tell those people in your life how you feel. Because you just never know....

My name is Angie and these are my confessions....

It's Just a Miscarriage..

Miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss...These are three common terms used by the medical field to explain the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. All three words cause pain in my heart, even after several years. Why? Because I lost three babies to miscarriage. Some people think miscarriages are no big deal. Miscarriage is so "common," that most women don't properly grieve the loss of their babies.

Infertility is something I struggled with for years, and getting pregnant seemed impossible, but it happened. The joy in my heart was abundant when after two pregnancy losses, I became pregnant once again. The pregnancy progressed, and I was considered high risk. I had blood work, and several ultrasounds which confirmed the pregnancy to be viable and healthy. At 12 weeks, my Doctor encouraged me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Somehow I could not and intuitively knew something was wrong. I went in to my doctor for an another ultrasound and at 14 weeks, my worst fears were confirmed. The beautiful baby I had seen on the ultrasound monitor so many times, alive and kicking, with a beating heart was no longer alive. My doctors were dumbfounded and I sobbed on the table in disbelief.

This past Saturday, August 17, was my due date and my daughter Grace Faith would have been have six years old. Each year I go to a special place alone and release Happy Birthday balloons to her and to the other two babies I lost. It may seem weird to some that I choose to remember this date and commemorate such an event, but for me, it is healing.

You may wonder why I am writing about this issue? Over the years, my heart has hurt as many women who were aware of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage, also shared their stories. Many also share how old their children would be, if they had been carried full term. When I lost my babies, people told me "it's just a miscarriage." I'm sure these "well meaning" people did not understand the sting their words held. For me and countless other women, it was never "just a miscarriage." These babies were real. Our bodies changed, and we knew of that sweet precious angel in our wombs. Many (like me) had the privilege of seeing the baby's heart beat and move around during ultrasounds. Either way, our sweet babies were real and we loved them.

If you lost a baby to miscarriage, your pain and your loss are real. It is okay to remember your due date and to think about what that child would have looked like. It is perfectly acceptable to commemorate your loss. Your child was real and your love for that baby was genuine.

I invite you to share your story, if you would like. You can share it here, or if you would like to do so in private, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com. Our babies should not be forgotten and thankfully, we have the joy of knowing they are in Heaven waiting for us!

Why I LOVE My Birthday!

Some people dread their birthdays and feel sad and depressed about getting older. Maybe I am weird, but I love my birthday! Today has been a great day so far and I feel extremely blessed. Thank you to all my friends and family who wished me a Happy Birthday. It means so much and each text, phone call, and Facebook post has made me smile and feel very special.

I started a new tradition today as I woke up to year 39. I made a list of 38 great blessings in my life and on this list I included some really cool things God did in the 38th year of my life. I will share a few of them with you.

1. My relationship with God - I have to admit this relationship has been a roller coaster over the last two years. I have questioned God about so many things and tried to understand and find Him in the midst of heartache, heartbreak and trial. What I have concluded is that understanding God and His ways rarely gets us anywhere. Instead, I am learning to simply surrender and let Him move in my life the way He wants.  I am thankful for God's grace as He has listened to many rants, raves and heard a whole lot of cuss words from me over the last few years. God is good!

2. My Boys - I often brag on Noah and Caleb, but they are incredible! My boys endured huge changes in their lives over the last two years, yet they are happy and healthy. I won't go so far as to say that things have been perfect; parenting them has presented challenges. Noah and Caleb are loyal, caring, kind and generous. They have a heart for other people and I have no doubt both of my boys will do incredible things in their lifetime.

3. My Friends - Wow! I am blessed with the most incredible friends. My friends have different backgrounds, career paths and personalities, but the one thing all of them have in common is that they have huge hearts. My friends have listened to me cry, endured angry rants, made me laugh until I spewed liquid out of my nose, and kicked my butt! I am so grateful for these people who have stuck it out with me and cheered me on in my journey.

4. My Job - I love my jobs! My work as a therapist brings me life and I feel so honored to walk with people along the most difficult journey. I work with an incredible team of therapists who make me a better therapist. I also count it an honor to teach Psychology courses, and love watching my students grasp concepts. My jobs rock!

5. My Big Loud Laugh - I love to laugh and laugh loud. I am so thankful that even in the midst of difficulty, I did not lose my very warped sense of humor. I laugh a lot and this brings me life. I am sorry if I ever hurt your ears. :).

6. Healing - I think the theme of my 38th year was healing. This healing hasn't come without hard work, many tears and sheer determination. God has done incredible healing in my heart, mind and soul. If you have gone through a horrible trial, choose forgiveness. Choose to let God heal your heart and never, ever let bitterness take root. You will never go wrong by choosing forgiveness. Choose freedom and choose healing!

To all of you who have prayed for me and my boys, I want to say THANK YOU!! Those prayers and encouraging words sustained us and I am happy to say that we are doing well. I would so appreciate your continued prayers. Thank you for being my friends and for loving me. You helped make my 38th year pretty amazing. I am so stoked about year 39!! I have no doubt I will be able to quickly list 39 incredible blessings next year as I approach....Holy cow, I'll be 40!! (excuse me as I deal with a few heart palpitations). Well, for now I'm still 39 and I will live it to the fullest.

Okay, isn't time for something birthday cake and ice cream? My name is Angie and these are my confessions...

Happy Birthday, Noah!

I always cry on my boys' birthdays. When you have a baby, everyone tells you to enjoy every minute because it goes so fast. That is so true! Today, I woke up and tears filled my eyes as I realized that my son Noah, is 15. Where did the time go? As a way to honor my amazing Noah, I would like to tell you just how special he is.

Noah came into this world as a tiny baby boy. The labor and delivery were very difficult, but he emerged, chord around the neck, weighing just 5 lbs. 2 oz. He was very small, but grew and thrived. From the beginning moments of his life, he loved the drums. His Dad, Jon, played drums in our church and he would sit Noah on his lap while he played. Most babies would be terrified of that kind of noise, but Noah loved it! Noah was an easy baby and brought such joy to our home.

One of the most joyful memories I have of Noah was when he turned three. He loved Buzz Lightyear and one day, as I told him I loved him, this is how he responded. "Mom, I love you to infinity and beyond!" I laughed and cried because he was so cute! He still tells me he loves me to infinity and beyond, everyday.

Most Moms dread the teenage years, but Noah has been incredible. He has his moments, as do most teenage boys, but He is growing into a quite the young man. Noah is kind and has a heart so big, especially for the underdog. His whole life, he has reached out to other kids that were left out and sought to make them feel included.

Noah is introverted and quiet, but when he talks, I listen. This is because he usually has something  profound to say and extends wisdom beyond his years, that leaves me speechless. It's amazing to me how a young man his age can have such pearls of wisdom and can cut to the heart of an issue with just a few words. What a gift!

Noah's name means, "a gift from God, who will bring peace." He has truly lived up to his name and his presence in our home brings peace and laughter. Noah gives the most amazing hugs and his handsome smile lights up the room. I am blessed to be his Mom and thank God that He gave me a tiny gift named Noah, 15 years ago.

Happy Birthday, Noah Jonathan Hamp! I hope today is filled with joy, laughter and incredible memories. You are a gift my son, and I am blessed and honored to be your Mom. I love you to infinity and beyond!!