I Hate Porn

I hate porn. Yep. I said it. Out loud. In tears. In anger. In sadness. In fear. With a broken heart.

Our society tells us porn is okay and that “everyone looks at porn.” The lie is further perpetuated by the promise that it is “no big deal,” and is just “make believe.” Oh really? When I hear this it makes me mad. I wish the people who make up that phooey could sit and listen to the many women in my private practice, who tell me a much different story. The women who shed tears and share anguish about the ways porn has impacted them, and their relationship with their husband. 

With permission, I asked some of the women I counsel if I could communicate how they feel about porn and when their partner views porn. These women come from many different backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses and religions. 

Here are their responses. 

“I feel like the ugliest woman on earth. How in the hell can I compete with that shit? Is that what he expects me to look like? To act like, in the bedroom? 

“I used to think porn was okay and even watched it with my husband. Over time, he preferred porn over me and could only get it up when we were watching porn. Do you know how that made me feel? I felt worthless, angry and so hurt.” 

“I caught my husband jacking off to porn at his computer. I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in bed. I went downstairs and saw him. I was so hurt. I lost respect for him. Now, that’s the image I have in my head constantly. Does he expect me to be turned on by him after seeing him do that?” 

“I feel so degraded and cast aside. I mean, I know all men look at porn and I used to think it was normal, but it makes me feel like crap. I just wish my husband was that into me. I never did, nor will I ever look like those women.”

“When I found out my husband kept viewing porn, even after I begged him to stop, I wanted to smash the computer with a hammer. Maybe that will get his attention! If he put the kind of effort or time into our marriage that he puts into viewing and hiding porn, we would have a great relationship! 

“I struggle with my self-esteem, confidence and body image. I feel like I will never measure up and have zero confidence in the bedroom. I feel like I will never please my husband. If I did, he wouldn’t look at porn. He always tells me when he looks at porn, it’s not about me. Really?! Because it sure feels like it’s about me and my inability to please him in bed. 

So, do you think it is still “make believe,” or “no big deal?”  Each week, I sit with women and listen to their heartache and together we work on ways to heal their hearts, minds, and self-esteem. I challenge you to think about the ways porn has impacted you. Don’t buy into society’s message that viewing porn is your right, will make your marriage better, or is just something guys do for fun. 

If you struggle with your self-image or self-worth because your husband views porn, get help. Many women suffer in silence. You are beautiful, sexy, and attractive and you do not have to compete with that trash. Don’t let porn define you or your sexuality any longer! 

If you would like to make an appointment with a counselor, please contact Revolution Counseling at: (720) 290-9992. Live Life to the Fullest! 

Three Years Ago...Life Changed Forever

I am amazed at the twists and turns life can take and that no matter how hard we try, life will throw us curve balls. The good news is that no matter what life throws our way, or the hardships we endure, there is always hope for restoration and healing. Restoration and healing are two words that have become a part of my vocabulary and my life, yet the road to that place of redemption has not been easy.

On August 28, 2011, I discovered that my husband, who was a church planter and pastor was having an affair. In a matter of 12 hours, the life I knew completely vanished. I confronted him about the affair, alerted our church board, we told our parents and our children, he confessed to our leadership, and the next day, he left our home. The devastation and heartache I experienced was so gut-wrenching and painful, there were days I felt I would not survive. Yet, I had to figure out how to maneuver through what felt like a cataclysmic cocktail of an earthquake, hurricane, and a tornado. My two children needed me, so I put one foot in front of the other, to pick through the devastation and destruction that was…my new life.

The losses were staggering and the impact of his affair was far-reaching. Not only was I impacted, but our two children were devastated. In addition, the dear people in our church were rocked by the news. Friends, family, and colleagues in ministry were also affected. At times, it seemed the carnage from the affair would never end.

I have wanted to tell my story for some time, but was waiting until a pretty little bow was on my story. We often hear stories of tragedy that are dreadfully painful and most of us wait with baited breath, for the happy ending. At this point in my life, there is no pretty bow. I have come a long way in my journey of healing, yet the consequences of the affair still impact me. I am a single Mom and have significant debt. It will take me years to fully recover emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

If reading my story is difficult for you, then I am glad. It is painful to tell this story, but I must. Each time I hear of another pastor who has engaged in sexual sin, I cringe. That sin means another pastor’s wife is left with a broken heart and her own hurricane of emotions. It means that children are devastated and also endure the consequences of those actions. It means churches are impacted, money is wasted, and friends are hurt and so on and so on….The impact of an affair is a far-reaching domino effect that is not easy to recover from.

Recovery and healing are possible and as I travel a road I never wanted, God’s miraculous hand of protection and provision have been evident. As I have healed, I am now stepping out to speak a message of hope, warning, and to help pastors, pastor’s wives, children, and churches.

First, if you are a woman in my shoes, DON'T GIVE UP! Life has knocked you down, but get up, live for God, raise your children in His ways and fight the good fight. There is life after the hurricane. You can survive and even thrive, once again. God is not finished with you, dear friend. You are a heroine, who has endured some of the worst trials, but stand firm and know that God is fighting for you.

Second, I want to send out a warning to Pastors. If you are involved in any hint of sexual sin, STOP IT. Confess what you are doing and get help. If you have someone you fantasize about… then go ahead. Fantasize. Then, carry that fantasy through where you have to look into the eyes of your wife, children, and church members and tell them what you have done. This is an epidemic and it has to stop. You may think it won’t happen to you, but it will. Instead, stop, confess, and get help. There is hope for you and God has a plan of healing and restoration for you as well. Today and every day you MUST be vigilant and not allow pride, insecurity or your own pain drive you to a place where a few minutes of sinful pleasure are more meaningful than the family or ministry God entrusted to you.

Third, God has given me a passion to reach out to other pastor’s wives who have experienced the devastation of their husband’s affairs. I have developed a four-day intensive counseling program just for pastor’s wives. This program provides rest, professional counseling, and tools and resources for women as they walk their journey. Many pastor’s wives report a feeling of being kicked to the curb by their churches and denominations after their husband’s moral failure. This program gives them hope to know there is life after the hurricane. Flowers in the Desert exists to provide counseling, rest, hope and resources for pastor’s wives who have survived the devastation of their husband’s moral failure. Stay tuned as a website and promotional materials develop.

The twists and turns of life will inevitably occur, and when those curve balls are thrown our way, we can trust that God stands ready to meet us in our greatest time of need. If you are a pastor in the grips of sexual sin, God’s tender mercy and kindness is awaiting you and He will see you through to healing. If you are a pastor’s wife who is reeling from your husband’s moral failure, God has you in the palm of his hand. Let His redeeming love, walk you through your journey. No matter where you are, restoration and healing can become a part of your vocabulary too!

Angie Hamp is an “ex pastor’s wife” who has experienced the redeeming and restoring love of Jesus. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and has a thriving private practice in Centennial, Colorado. In addition, Angie teaches Psychology at two Universities. Angie’s greatest calling is to her two amazing sons, who inspire her to live, forgive, and laugh. Angie is an crazy Denver Broncos fan and in her free time enjoys the beautiful Rocky Mountains, sand volleyball, golf, tennis, coffee with friends, and lots of laughter. Angie’s motto in life is, “live life to the fullest!”

Just a Miscarriage?

Miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss...These are three common terms used by the medical field to explain the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. All three words cause pain in my heart, even after several years. Why? Because I lost three babies to miscarriage. Some people think miscarriages are no big deal. Miscarriage is so "common," that most women don't properly grieve the loss of their babies.

Infertility is something I struggled with for years, and getting pregnant seemed impossible, but it happened. The joy in my heart was abundant when after two pregnancy losses, I became pregnant once again. The pregnancy progressed, and I was considered high risk. I had blood work, and several ultrasounds which confirmed the pregnancy to be viable and healthy. At 12 weeks, my Doctor encouraged me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Somehow I could not and intuitively knew something was wrong. I went in to my doctor for an another ultrasound and at 14 weeks, my worst fears were confirmed. The beautiful baby I had seen on the ultrasound monitor so many times, alive and kicking, with a beating heart was no longer alive. My doctors were dumbfounded and I sobbed on the table in disbelief.

Today, August 17, was my due date and my daughter Grace Faith would have been have seven years old. Each year, I go to a special place alone and release Happy Birthday balloons to her and to the other two babies I lost. It may seem weird to some that I choose to remember this date and commemorate such an event, but for me, it is healing.

You may wonder why I am writing about this issue? Over the years, my heart has hurt as many women who were aware of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage, also shared their stories. Many also share how old their children would be, if they had been carried full term. When I lost my babies, people told me "it's just a miscarriage." I'm sure these "well meaning" people did not understand the sting their words held. For me and countless other women, it was never "just a miscarriage." These babies were real. Our bodies changed, and we knew of that sweet precious angel in our wombs. Many (like me) had the privilege of seeing the baby's heart beat and their cute little wriggles, during ultrasounds. Either way, our sweet babies were real and we loved them.

If you lost a baby to miscarriage, your pain and your loss are real. It is okay to remember your due date and to think about what that child would have looked like. It is perfectly acceptable to commemorate your loss. Your child was real and your love for that baby was genuine.

I invite you to share your story, if you would like. You can share it here, or if you would like to do so in private, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com. Our babies should not be forgotten and thankfully, we have the joy of knowing they are in Heaven waiting for us!

Happy Birthday, Grace Faith! 

Flowers in the Desert - A New Ministry

Many of you have followed me over the last few years, following the hurricane that hit my life. It has been a long, hard road, but God has been healing and restoring both me and the boys. After nearly three years of my own recovery process, I am stepping out into a new calling.

Over the last few years, I have received numerous emails, phone calls, and Facebook messages from former pastor's wives who knew of my story and sought me out for advice, prayer and support. A stirring that began two years ago, came to an emotional head as I painfully listened to another pastor's wife share her devastation over the discovery of her husband's secret life. I am not sure what happened in me that day, but an anger welled up in me.

The scary and incredible ride of life only became more crazy when I opened my big mouth and sent an email to Dr. George Wood, who serves at the Superintendent of the Assemblies of God. The email was prompted by anger and frustration I felt after receiving news that another ordained minister with the A/G experienced a moral failure. Can I just stop and jump on my soapbox?

I am so tired of hearing stories of pastors who engage in sexual sin. I am sick and tired of watching pastor's wives and their children bear the brunt of such sin. I am appalled at the way denominations seemingly kick these pastor's wives to the curb. Okay..soapbox over..Now back to what's new and what I am going to do about this epidemic.

I sent an email to Dr. George Wood, and told him my story and my concerns. In addition, I offered some solutions to assist with this issue. One solution is an intensive counseling/treatment program I wrote, just for pastor's wives. The program is called Flowers in the Desert. It is a four-day intensive counseling program where pastor's wives (whose husbands have experienced moral failure) come and stay in my home for four days. They receive professional counseling, tools to assist them with their new and difficult road, a makeover, and a treatment program to take home.

I never expected a response from Dr. Wood, but less than 24 hours later, he responded to my email and sent the email to Dr. Jim Bradford who serves over the ordination/discipline process of the A/G. Check out the progression of events:

• One week after I sent the email to Dr. Wood, Dr. Bradford and I spoke at length on the phone regarding this issue. He wholeheartedly agreed the need is great and offered his counsel and support. In addition, we discussed the need for preventative measures to be put into place, so moral failures decrease. 

• Two weeks after the initial email was sent to Dr. Wood, I connected with my first candidate for the treatment program

• God miraculously opened the doors for financial provision so she could attend the program.

• Exactly one month after I sent my email to Dr. Wood, an amazing pastor's wife attended the treatment program.

Flowers in the Desert soft-launched with a pilot program on March 16th, but now the real work begins and there is much to be done.These women (former pastor's wives) are amazing. They have endured horrific trauma, shame and abandonment, yet stood above the trauma to lead their children and their homes. Many are now single Moms, and are faced with being providers. They have lost everything, but most are not bitter and instead walk closely with God. These women are superstars! Yet they are battle-torn and are in need of ministry and restoration.

Please stay tuned to this blog as Flowers in the Desert continues to develop. Here is a short list of what is needed. If you would like to help or contribute, that would rock!

1. Website
2. Promotional materials
3. Money - Yep. We need money to get this program rolling.
4. Speaking engagements - I would love to share my story and share about this new ministry.
5. Prayer - Since I said yes to God and stepped out in faith, my health, and my children have been under attack.
6. Coaches - I need coaches to continue to work with women after they leave the program.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed, supported, encouraged me and loved me over the last three years. You have no idea how much your messages, Facebook "likes" and heartfelt love mean to me!! If you feel God leading you to help, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com or message me on Facebook.

Single Moms, aka SuperHeroes!

Many people feel sorry for single moms and tend to look at us with sadness. We don't need  pity because single moms are actually equipped with super powers that other people don’t possess. In fact, we are several superheroes rolled into one.  Single moms are mutants that are a cross between a variety of superheroes, and our species allows us to do what no human can do. Jealous? You should be! We are a rare breed.

Here’s a description of a Single Mom Superhero:

Fix-It Girl - This part of a single mom enables her to fix anything. It is not in a conventional, boring way either. This superpower allows the single mom to use pink power tools and butter knives that work way better than screwdrivers. She fixes things with beauty and class, and makes tool belts and power tools look like the latest fashion statement.

Superwoman – this part of the single mom allows her to leap tall buildings and when her children are in need, she will move heaven and earth to protect, shield and take care of any need, in one swift motion. She does not whine or cry about it, either. Instead, she places her hands on her hips, sticks out her chest and puts her chin up, ready and willing to face the obstacle.

Elastigirl – Life brings twists and turns every day and plans get thwarted. This part of the single mom is so flexible, she can twist and turn around an issue or problem, at least 10 times. If she has to work and take care of a sick child, she will adapt to that schedule with no problem. When curve balls get thrown at her, she catches them in her teeth, spits them out and they become chocolate curve balls.

Catwoman – This part of the single mom is sly, and moves in quiet, stealth motion. She has incredible hearing and when her children are misbehaving or planning something mischievous, she picks up sounds no one can hear. In doing so, she cuts off rascally behavior at the pass and whips the children back into shape with her hissing presence.

Wonder Woman – You’ve heard of the seven wonders of the world, but the wonders the single mom produces are far beyond imagination. She works full-time (more if necessary), comes home after a 10-hour day, cooks gourmet meals, bakes cookies, assists with homework and projects, assures her children have clean clothes and have bathed. She  listens to problems, gives magical hugs, prays, and tucks her children into bed. She completes all of these wonders, knowing no one who will walk through the door to help, and pushes down her own needs and loneliness to ensure every need her children have is met. She truly is a Wonder!

Today, I’m sending a shout out to my Single Mom counterparts. Your job is tough, but you have been equipped with special superpowers. Ladies, place your hands on your hips, let your hair whip in the wind, stick out your chest and put your chin up. Be proud of who you are and what you accomplish every day. We are raising warriors who will change the world. Let’s do this!

One more thing....Reach out to a single mom, this Mother's Day. Buy her flowers, give her a gift card, or buy her a pedicure. Give her a hug, encourage her, and tell her she is a superhero. These small gestures are a huge boost to a single mom superhero. Be warned, though. If you dare to criticize one of my single mom counterparts, or give your best advice, I will be there to whip your eyes out. Just..don't.

Happy Mother's Day!