I Want To Have An Affair!

     Next week I am giving a presentation at my office about how to deal with couples in crisis, following the revelation of an affair. Many therapists won't touch this issue with a ten foot pole, and the reasons are quite obvious. I have my own personal experience in this area, but have also worked with tons of couples around the issue of infidelity and have spent hundreds of hours researching this topic.

     The statistics about infidelity are staggering. Many researchers report 50-60% of people (men AND women) will have an affair sometime during their life. In reality, these numbers are probably low. There are countless articles on "affair proofing your marriage," as well as books about "how to prevent affairs." These articles and books have great information, but I feel there is one major component missing.

Hold on to your hats because I am about to yell.

     SELFISHNESS. This is the root cause of affairs. This is a very obvious component, but is not one often addressed in the materials written about infidelity. Some of the common reasons I hear when I work with couples around this issue are: 1. I wasn't getting my needs met. 2. our marriage was boring. 3. I deserved to have someone make me feel good. SELFISHNESS!!

     When someone, (friends or clients) tell me they are contemplating an affair, or they reveal flirtation with someone else, I engage them in a very traumatic exercise. I have the person tell me all the gloopy, glamourous parts of having an affair. As people visualize the affair, they often become starry-eyed as they talk about how their needs will be met and the excitement that accompanies an affair. Then, I have them tell me what it would be like, to look into the eyes of their children and family members when the affair is exposed. (this is where the starry-eyed look is replaced by a ghost-like, blank stare). I have them imagine sitting on the couch, and telling their children about the affair. Then, I ask them to verbalize what they would say. I told you it was traumatic, yet this exercise is very effective.

     I have a "righteous anger" about this topic. I've dealt with this issue on a personal level and on a professional level and the devastation of an affair is heart-wrenching for all parties involved. If you are contemplating an affair, or playing with fire and engaging in the "grey area," STOP IT! Force yourself to envision the domino effect of an affair and the faces of your children when you  tell them you've had an affair. Envision the loss of your marriage, and your family. It's not pretty. And if you think flirtation is "harmless," and would never lead to an affair, you're well on your way down the slippery slope.

    Today, pause to love your signficant other and when the monster of SELFISHNESS knocks on your door and tells you, "you deserve more," kick it out the door.  Find someone to talk to and although you might feel weird about revealing your temptations, do it anyway.

     Today's blog was hard to write, and it might be met with criticism. I really don't care because if it prevents someone from crossing that line, it is worth it. As I prepare for my presentation at work, I've prayed for the countless people who have survived affairs, as well as the ones contemplating one. If you've survived an affair, I pray God continues to heal you. There is hope! Healing and restoration will happen. If you are contemplating an affair, I pray God softens your heart and you allow Him to protect you from that path.

May we ALL stop and think about the consequences of our actions and abate the parasite of SELFISHNESS.

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....