Do It Anyway

It seems that on days I feel particulary feisty and rebellious that a certain saying or Scripture verse will emerge so many times, that I wonder if perhaps God is trying to tell me something? I would like to believe this type of phenomenon is pure coincidence, but when I see it on Facebook, read it in a devotion, hear about it at church, and have a friend share it with me, I can't help but pay attention.

The verse and concept that has haunted me constantly over the last month says, "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.|" (Galatians 6:9, NLT).  This verse should serve as a motivator and spur me to live the way God has called me to, yet this verse comes at a time when I'm weary of doing the "right things."

Last week, I had an amazing pity party and was angry and hurt because someone walked all over me. I felt trampled, taken advantage of and downright ticked! I reasoned that I would no longer be a doormat and that I was done being nice. That's when the haunting began....

I wrestled with my feelings of hurt, my own desires, my pride, and this Scripture. All week, I was bombarded with this verse in every way, shape and form. Even to the point where Martina McBride's song, "Anyway," came on the radio. Gag. The week of haunting came to a head as I attended church and my Pastor, (the amazing John Snyder) spoke on loving, and doing good....Anyway.

As you read this, I imagine you feel the tightness in your chest. You probably feel conflicted as you envision the many times you've "done good," only be to be walked all over. Maybe you too, have vowed to stop being so nice, and put up walls of protection, so that you are no longer anyone's DOORMAT!

Now that you are all riled up, I'll share some of my conclusions. You are welcome to take them or leave them, but in all honesty, the "haunting" might commense for you too. (Sorry).

Perhaps you loved someone with everything in you, and they shattered your heart. Maybe you showed kindess to someone who has been hurtful many times. It's possible you've spent the majority of your life "doing good," only to find that you seem to be on the short end of the stick, most of the time. At this point, you may be tempted to have your own pity party and declare you are no longer a doormat. Well, you're welcome to do that, but I propose something else.

Love, ANYWAY. Be kind, ANYWAY. Do good...ANYWAY. Why? Because doing the "right things," brings a harvest of blessing. Not because you win the lottery, and not because life all of a sudden becomes peachy. Not because someone drops a $500 Nordstrom giftcard on your doorstep (sorry to insert my own dream here). That harvest of blessing comes BECAUSE you chose to do the right things, ANYWAY. Sometimes the greatest blessing in doing the right things is peace. It's being able to lay your head on your pillow, knowing you acted with honor. You will never regret acting with honor.

My fear for myself, and anyone struggling with doing the "right things," is that we will miss out on the greatest of blessings. I've been shattered, and I've been tempted to wall my heart in so tight, that no one will ever hurt me again. (It doesn't mean we allow those who hurt us to continue. Boundaries are okay) Yet when I live as a recluse, not allowing myself to love, I am empty and miserable. It's only when we choose to do the right things (ANYWAY) that we experience the most joy and the harvest of blessing. May we ALL be haunted by this verse and this concept! At the end of the day, no one ever regrets doing the right things. No regrets? Now, there's a blessing!

I'm going to go check my doorstep for that Nordies gift card now.... My name is Angie and these are my confessions.....

Single Moms, aka SuperHeroes!

Many people feel sorry for single moms and tend to look at us with sadness. We don't need  pity because single moms are actually equipped with super powers that other people don’t possess. In fact, we are several superheroes rolled into one.  Single moms are mutants that are a cross between a variety of superheroes, and our species allows us to do what no human can do. Jealous? You should be! We are a rare breed.

Here’s a description of a Single Mom Superhero:

Fix-It Girl - This part of a single mom enables her to fix anything. It is not in a conventional, boring way either. This superpower allows the single mom to use pink power tools and butter knives that work way better than screwdrivers. She fixes things with beauty and class, and makes tool belts and power tools look like the latest fashion statement.

Superwoman – this part of the single mom allows her to leap tall buildings and when her children are in need, she will move heaven and earth to protect, shield and take care of any need, in one swift motion. She does not whine or cry about it, either. Instead, she places her hands on her hips, sticks out her chest and puts her chin up, ready and willing to face the obstacle.

Elastigirl – Life brings twists and turns every day and plans get thwarted. This part of the single mom is so flexible, she can twist and turn around an issue or problem, at least 10 times. If she has to work and take care of a sick child, she will adapt to that schedule with no problem. When curve balls get thrown at her, she catches them in her teeth, spits them out and they become chocolate curve balls.

Catwoman – This part of the single mom is sly, and moves in quiet, stealth motion. She has incredible hearing and when her children are misbehaving or planning something mischievous, she picks up sounds no one can hear. In doing so, she cuts off rascally behavior at the pass and whips the children back into shape with her hissing presence.

Wonder Woman – You’ve heard of the seven wonders of the world, but the wonders the single mom produces are far beyond imagination. She works full-time (more if necessary), comes home after a 10-hour day, cooks gourmet meals, bakes cookies, assists with homework and projects, assures her children have clean clothes and have bathed. She  listens to problems, gives magical hugs, prays, and tucks her children into bed. She completes all of these wonders, knowing no one who will walk through the door to help, and pushes down her own needs and loneliness to ensure every need her children have is met. She truly is a Wonder!

Today, I’m sending a shout out to my Single Mom counterparts. Your job is tough, but you have been equipped with special superpowers. Ladies, place your hands on your hips, let your hair whip in the wind, stick out your chest and put your chin up. Be proud of who you are and what you accomplish every day. We are raising warriors who will change the world. Let’s do this!

Happy Mother’s Day!

One more thing....Reach out to a single mom, this Mother's Day. Buy her flowers, give her a gift card, or buy her a pedicure. Give her a hug, encourage her, and tell her she is a superhero. These small gestures are a huge boost to a single mom superhero. Be warned, though. If you dare to criticize one of my single mom counterparts, or give your best advice, I will be there to whip your eyes out. Just..don't.
 

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions.....

 

 

 

 

The Courtroom of Justice - I Win Everytime!

I am in the thicke of writing my new book, Flowers in the Desert, A 90-Day Survival Guide For Those Who Have Experienced Tragedy. To be honest, this book is very difficult to write and comes from notes and journal entries I made following the first 90 days after my tragedy. Still, I feel compelled to write the book and will press on.

The other day I was writing about entitlement. That word sends a shudder through my veins and yet entitlement is something all of us struggle with. The sense of entitlement seems to wrap itself around peole who have experienced difficulty and yet this is a trap we should avoid. In the months following my tragedy, I took great liberties with entitlement. I felt I had a right to be angry, bitter and do anything I wanted. Afterall, somebody wounded me so didn't I have the RIGHT to also wound and hurt? Ouch.

I'm embarrassed to admit I struggled with entitlement and my right to treat others poorly. There were days I snapped at my kids, cut others off in traffic, and worst yet, allowed myself to spin in my own little courtroom of justice. What is the courtroom of justice? It's a fun little place we go where we are the judge, jury, prosecutor and defense attorney. In our courtroom of justice, we bring opening arguments about the wrong done to us. Next, we defend our actions and justify why we are the victim. Then, the jury sends down a verdict of GUILTY to the party who offended, and the judge slams the gavel and doles out a harsh sentence. It's a WIN/WIN and always gives the same results.

This is what the courtroom of justice gets you. 1. You get to be a victim. 2. You become bitter. 3. the good relationships in your life suffer. 4. you spew hate. 5. your relationship with God suffers or becomes nonexistent. 6. it eats you from the inside out, until you are a hollow shell. Yeah, that sounds like a WIN/WIN...

None of us are entitled to anything. Everyone has experienced some type of tragedy or difficulty and everyone has probably struggled with a sense of entitlement. I know I have. Entitlement has us operate out of a victim mentality and behave in ways that are unhealthy and destructive, all because we are entitled to it. Blame fuels entitlement and yet where does blame get any of us? (Oh yeah..back to the courtroom of justice).

A great strategy to deal with entitlement is introspection. In my situation, I was not blameless. I made mistakes and was far from perfect. As difficult as it is for me to admit, there are things I have to change about myself and character defects that need work. When I focus on my flaws and shortcomings, suddenly that sense of entitlement disappears.

One of my favorite Scriptures says, "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! ( 2 Corinthians 5:17, NLT). I don't know about you, but there are things I would rather just let go of. Instead of spinning in entitlement and the courtoom of justice, may we ALL have the guts to be introspective, change those things about ourselves that need to be stripped away, and experience a NEW LIFE!

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

I Want To Have An Affair!

     Next week I am giving a presentation at my office about how to deal with couples in crisis, following the revelation of an affair. Many therapists won't touch this issue with a ten foot pole, and the reasons are quite obvious. I have my own personal experience in this area, but have also worked with tons of couples around the issue of infidelity and have spent hundreds of hours researching this topic.

     The statistics about infidelity are staggering. Many researchers report 50-60% of people (men AND women) will have an affair sometime during their life. In reality, these numbers are probably low. There are countless articles on "affair proofing your marriage," as well as books about "how to prevent affairs." These articles and books have great information, but I feel there is one major component missing.

Hold on to your hats because I am about to yell.

     SELFISHNESS. This is the root cause of affairs. This is a very obvious component, but is not one often addressed in the materials written about infidelity. Some of the common reasons I hear when I work with couples around this issue are: 1. I wasn't getting my needs met. 2. our marriage was boring. 3. I deserved to have someone make me feel good. SELFISHNESS!!

     When someone, (friends or clients) tell me they are contemplating an affair, or they reveal flirtation with someone else, I engage them in a very traumatic exercise. I have the person tell me all the gloopy, glamourous parts of having an affair. As people visualize the affair, they often become starry-eyed as they talk about how their needs will be met and the excitement that accompanies an affair. Then, I have them tell me what it would be like, to look into the eyes of their children and family members when the affair is exposed. (this is where the starry-eyed look is replaced by a ghost-like, blank stare). I have them imagine sitting on the couch, and telling their children about the affair. Then, I ask them to verbalize what they would say. I told you it was traumatic, yet this exercise is very effective.

     I have a "righteous anger" about this topic. I've dealt with this issue on a personal level and on a professional level and the devastation of an affair is heart-wrenching for all parties involved. If you are contemplating an affair, or playing with fire and engaging in the "grey area," STOP IT! Force yourself to envision the domino effect of an affair and the faces of your children when you  tell them you've had an affair. Envision the loss of your marriage, and your family. It's not pretty. And if you think flirtation is "harmless," and would never lead to an affair, you're well on your way down the slippery slope.

    Today, pause to love your signficant other and when the monster of SELFISHNESS knocks on your door and tells you, "you deserve more," kick it out the door.  Find someone to talk to and although you might feel weird about revealing your temptations, do it anyway.

     Today's blog was hard to write, and it might be met with criticism. I really don't care because if it prevents someone from crossing that line, it is worth it. As I prepare for my presentation at work, I've prayed for the countless people who have survived affairs, as well as the ones contemplating one. If you've survived an affair, I pray God continues to heal you. There is hope! Healing and restoration will happen. If you are contemplating an affair, I pray God softens your heart and you allow Him to protect you from that path.

May we ALL stop and think about the consequences of our actions and abate the parasite of SELFISHNESS.

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

Gag Me With A... (Lessons From the Stomach Bug)

Yesterday I caught a nasty stomach virus. It was a good reminder of a very gross, yet powerful analogy I give my clients in counseling. I must warn you, this analogy is disgusting, but it is one you won't forget!

Everyday we are bombarded with emotions, difficulties, irritations, and so on. Most of us take a deep breath, and move on with the day. That is fine for a time, but as life's problems and trials build up, it becomes increasingly difficult to cope in healthy ways. When I assess a client, one of the first questions I ask about is their support structure. In other words, who in your life, do you have to talk to? Many people do not have adequate (much less) strong support in their lives. The result is that they walk around with a ton of bottled up junk, and are using unhealthy methods to cope with life. Basically, they are walking around with a perpetual stomach virus.

I have yet to meet a person who enjoys vomiting, and yet when we have a stomach virus, our bodies need to expel that virus. Still, we try everything possible to avoid hugging the porcelain throne. We take pepto-bismol, drink sprite, and lay on the couch holding our stomachs, until the inevitable upchuck occurs. What follows vomiting is relief. We feel better for a time, but a typical virus has to run its course, which means more vomiting will occur. Thankfully, these types of viruses do not last forever, and eventually we recover and feel better.

The point of this very gross analogy is that life is hard. You will experience trials, hurt, difficulties, and frustrations. Don't go it alone! Develop a healthy support structure of people who you can handle your "vomit." A word of caution, though. The "vomiting" stage of recovery is only step one of the process.

Step two of dealing with life's stomach virus, requires the development of healthy methods for coping and recovering. Think about the last time you had the stomach virus. After you puked, did you eat a big hamburger, or a piece of chocolate cake? Instead, you most likely ate a few saltine crackers, and drank some sprite. Yet when we experience pain or difficulty, the first things we turn to are not the things that are the best. Excessive alcohol use, overeating, gossip, and unhealthy sex are just some of the coping mechanisms people employ during difficult times. These are the equivalent to scarfing down a hamburger or a piece of chocolate cake to heal the woes of a stomach virus. (I hope your stomach is churning right now).

Instead, surround yourself with a few friends you can confide in. Vomit out your woes, but don't let it stop there. Continue your recovery process by implementing healthy methods for dealing with life's stomach virus. Here are few suggestions:

1. Prayer
2. Read your Bible (for crying out loud)
3. Exercise - (don't roll your eyes. a long walk never hurt anyone)
4. Talk to someone you trust (who won't just tell you what you want to hear).
5. Go to Counseling (I'm a counselor, so I had to throw that one in there).
6. Change Negative Thought Patterns - this one is powerful. I challenge you to write down three negative thoughts you have on a continual basis. When these thoughts bombard you, STOP thinking them, and instead counteract that pattern with something positive.

Purging is never fun, but it is necessary. Our bodies have natural mechanisms that purge the system of a virus. Unfortunately, the healthy mechanisms needed to deal with emotional difficulties are not natural, and must be developed and intentional. Our bodies give off physical signals that warn us we need to take care of emotional angst. Next time you feel anxious, irritated, angry, or sad, let this serve as a signal that life's emotional stomach virus has paid you a visit, and it is time to purge. Instead of turning to unhealthy methods of coping, look to your new and improved healthy strategies!

I'm starving! I think I'll go have a hamburger and some chocolate cake. My name is Angie, and these are my confessions.....

Stupid, Stupid Vacuum

As a single woman, I am strong and independent. I juggle three jobs, am raising two amazing boys, take care of my house and yes, I know how to check the oil in my car. I feel like I do a decent job of juggling all the balls in life, until something breaks in my house.

Lately, a lot of things have been breaking. Take for example, my vacuum cleaner. The other day was a rough one. I had a tough day at work and in addition to everything else, I have some big decisions to make, so I was feeling a little stressed out. One way I deal with stress is by cleaning. (No, I will not come clean your house). I came home from work and decided to vacuum. That plan was soon thwarted, as a hideous screeching noise emerged from my pretty, purple vacuum cleaner. I rolled my eyes, flipped the vacuum over and noticed it was not rotating. This is typically the moment where I get a tight feeling in my chest because I am so not great at fixing things, but I was determined to figure this out. So, I grabbed my handy dandy tool chest and set to work on the vacuum. 30 minutes later, I had taken the vacuum cleaner apart, but could not get it to work properly. This is the point where I so eloquently yelled, "STUPID, STUPID VACUUM," and kicked it across the room.

The ridiculousness did not end there as I reasoned that somehow me kicking the vacuum across the room might have fixed it. It did not. So, I did what any woman in her right mind would. I grabbed my stash of chocolate, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I cried it out, ate a lot of chocolate, all while sitting by the stupid, stupid vacuum cleaner.

Maybe you have had one of those days and can relate. It's a day where you've put out fire after fire, smiled when you felt like frowning, graciously helped others, and gotten through. Then, you get home only to find there are a million more things waiting to be completed, not the least of which is a stupid, stupid (broken) vacuum cleaner. It is the little things that seem to get us, isn't it?

After I finished my crying and chocolate eating session, I picked up my devotion for the day. The main Scripture for that day was this: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I couldn't help but laugh (a little like a crazy woman) at the humor of God. So, I sat next to the stupid, stupid vacuum, ate some more chocolate, and thanked God for everything I could think of.

Then, it dawned on me that I had a second vacuum, I never used. Who has a second vacuum? Apparently I do! I put the stupid, stupid vacuum away in my garage and pulled out the other vacuum, (which is not stupid) and happily vacuumed my floors.

It's the little things in life that get us, but it is also the little things in life that make us. Stopping to be thankful, even in the midst of difficulty, somehow clears our thinking to remember life is still good and there truly is SO much to be thankful for. I still don't like the stupid, stupid vacuum...

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

I Did Everything Right!! (but bad things still happened)

It should be simple. Do what you are supposed to do, and nothing bad will happen to you. If only life would cooperate and fit into the little mold, we humans have constructed.

I have always been a rule follower. As a child, my Mom taught me that I could not play outside until ALL the chores were done. In school, I was a compliant student who obeyed my teachers. I followed my parents standards, and was not a rebellious teenager. The authorities in my life taught me this one simple rule: Do what you are supposed to do, and good things will come to you. (Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic).  At the very least, follow the rules, and you'll greatly reduce the chances of bad things happening.

This little plan was thwarted early on in my life when my dad died. I was only 18. I remember questioning God, but kept skipping along, doing all the right things. As I look back, I adopted the mentality, early on, that if I do all the right things, and follow all the rules, then maybe God will keep me in a bubble and protect me from the Big Bad Wolf.

I see others living by my same philosophy. You hear stories all the time of people who did all the right things, and yet still had horrible things happen to them. There's the guy who ate all organic, exercised, yet still developed cancer. There's the woman who did everything she was supposed to during her pregnancy, yet her baby was born was a birth defect. The list could go on and on, as everyday we hear of tragedies.

When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to click back through the list of things we did right, and the things we did wrong. We spin in this cycle and bargain about how "this should have never happened." It's as if we think that we can change the circumstance, simply by completing this cycle of insanity. Sadly, many people spin in this insane cycle and never get out of it.

We have this endless need to control life. Mostly because we live in fear of the "bad things." Yet, what are we really in control of? Not much! I wish I could give you the neat little formula so that bad things didn't happen to you. I so wish I could say, "do this, do that, and don't do this, and nothing bad will happen." I can't. At the risk of sounding all preachy, (like I have it figured out) I would like to tell you what keeps me from diving off the cliff.

SURRENDER. I surrender to God, at least 500 times a day. The good old Serenity Prayer keeps me sane. Then I think about what I CAN control. Taking those 10 million rogue thoughts captive, is a constant battle and yet that is where the battle is won.

In the end, we can do everything right, yet bad things will still happen. It's a sad thought, yet where would we be if we didn't seek to "do everything right?" I shudder to think! After letting myself run through the insanity spin cycle of "why did this happen," I am going to keep doing my part. I know that bad things will still happen, but ALOT of good things happen too! In fact, as I look back over the tragedies in my life, I see many good things.

I hope you will allow yourself to reflect on the good that has come from the bad. It certainly won't make us excited about impending difficulties, but perhaps a small shift in perspective can give us all the motivation to keep doing the right things.

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions..