Don't Forget....

I love Christmas! Unfortunately, this time of year is so busy and often, we forget to stop and enjoy the season and the simple moments that make this time of year so special.

All week, I have talked with my clients about their "year in review," and some of the highs and lows of 2013. This morning, I woke up early and began reflection on the highs and lows of my year. As I contemplated the events of the year, I kept returning to this same thought, "I am so grateful."

The moments that brought me the most joy were so simple. Coffee with girlfriends, volleyball in the park, running on the trails near my home, watching sunsets from the balcony of my bedroom, throwing the football with my boys, jumping on the trampoline, making dance videos with Caleb. My boys...I am so thankful for the two young men God entrusted to my care.

Often, I creep in to my boys' rooms and watch them sleep. I sneak snuggles with them on the couch before they realize they are great big teenage boys and shrug out of my arms. When Noah and Caleb were young, I used to breathe in the smells of baby shampoo and lotion. Now, Axe body spray, smelly feet and some good ole' teenage boy, body odor are the scents that often meet me, when we hug. I don't care. I don't want to forget. I want to remember every moment we shared and this thought reminds me to slow down.

As 2013 draws to end, don't forget to stop and enjoy the simple moments. Drive a little slower and look at the Christmas lights around town. Spend the day in your pajamas and play hide and seek with your kids. Smile at people in the mall. Send texts to friends and family, and tell them how much they mean to you. Breathe in the scents of your children.

Most of all, don't forget to stop and read about Jesus. He is the most amazing gift and His birth is miraculous! Emmanuel, God with us and the reason we celebrate Christmas gets lost in the busyness of the holidays. Don't forget...

Life will never be perfect, and 2014 will certainly have it's highs and lows too. Slowing down, and enjoying the simple moments of life will breathe new life into your busy, cluttered life. Don't forget...It's a wonderful life!

Tell It To My Heart

Recently, a well meaning person asked me why my book, "Confessions of a Church Planter's Wife," was still in distribution since I'm not a church planter's wife anymore. Ouch. Her words cut like a knife and I responded in the most gracious and fumbled way I could. Our conversation left me wounded and with a sense of shame. The truth is, I have thought thousands of times that I should pull the book. It is true, I am not a church planter's wife anymore. I'm not a pastor's wife. I am not in ministry. I am divorced. My former life as a woman in full-time ministry seems like it was light years ago. Yet, I can't seem to let go of my passion for CP wives. 

There is not a Sunday morning that goes by, that I don't miss ministry, and the craziness of church planting. Each week, I think of the wonderful CP wives I know and pray that God gives them strength as they hustle and bustle about on their Sunday morning. My heart aches for CP wives and each time one of them contacts me via email or Facebook, I feel honored.

I never wrote my book to gain kudos or make a ton of money. I wrote the book because of the gross lack of resources for a group of women who are heroines. My dream was that the book convey to CP wives they are not forgotten and they make a difference! Church plants would never happen without incredible women like CP wives who stay behind the scenes and work their butts off to see new church plants launch. CP wives rock!

I may not be a CP wife anymore, but I have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. I understand the pain, the frustration, the exhilaration, the toll on the marriage and children, the financial pressure, and so on. I may not be in the trenches anymore, but I still pray for CP wives. I pray for strength, provision, protection on the marriage and children, and a sense of God's presence each day.

My head tells me to stop caring and move on with my life, but try and tell that to my heart. My heart still loves CP wives and longs for them to know, "what you do matters."

"What You Do Matters," was the theme of my book and honestly, I have struggled with wondering if the work and grit I poured into writing the book mattered at all. The conversation with the person I mentioned above, further plagued my musings. Then, I received a Facebook message from someone I have never met, who bought my book for his wife. He told me how inspired his wife was by the book and asked me to write her an encouraging letter, so he could place it in her stocking for Christmas. I was humbled and knew God had sent that person at just the right time to let me know, "Angie, what you did mattered."

For those of you who bought my book, I want to say thank you. I may not be a CP wife anymore, but a part of my heart will always beat for CP wives. I am cheering you on because, WHAT YOU DO MATTERS! 

If you would like to purchase the book, here is the link on Amazon. It is also available on Kindle. http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Church-Planters-Wife-Planting/dp/1456547690/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386703355&sr=8-1&keywords=confessions+of+a+church+planters+wife

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have refrained from writing over the last several weeks because I have experienced a series of unfortunate events. Car repairs, financial strain, job issues, and some medical concerns with one of my sons has left me depleted. I typically write positive, upbeat blogs because there is enough negative we hear each day and my desire is that people find hope and encouragement from my posts. Today's post is raw, but it is real.

I have been pretty upset with God over the last few weeks. Maybe you just read that statement and are shocked that I would admit frustration with God, but I am sure (at certain points in your life) you have experienced your own anger at God. The last few years of my life have been wrought with devastation, heartbreak, pain and loss. Frankly, I'm pretty tired and battle worn.

Some days I still wake up and wonder what the heck happened to my life? I miss ministry, I miss the church we planted, I miss the people who were in our church, I miss the house I used to live in, I miss having a whole family, I miss two incomes. Sometimes, I miss my old life.

Pain and deep loss are difficult to overcome. I have found that just when I work through one layer, another layer awaits me. Yet peeling through the layers is necessary and is where deep healing occurs. It's a brutal process, but I believe it is worth it. Allowing God to peel through my layers of pain is preparing me for the next step. God is not finished with me yet! I am on a journey to find purpose, even in the midst of the pain.

There can be purpose to pain. The purpose may be that we feel entitled to be mean and bitter. (I hope that all of us find more purpose that). Finding purpose in the middle of our pain doesn't mean that we skip through the daisies, so excited that tragedy hit our lives. It can mean WE make the choice to allow God to refine us, peel through our layers, heal us completely and allow Him open doors to share hope with other people.

I memorized this Scripture a year ago and am clinging to it as I allow God to peel away my layers. Isaiah 43:19 (NLT) says, "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Perhaps you experienced a series of unfortunate events that left you angry and battle torn. Maybe God is peeling through your painful layers and you are weary and raw. If so, let the peeling and healing commence! Because when we surrender to God and allow Him to work in us, pathways of restoration WILL happen. Those "series of unfortunate events" can lead to a series of incredible open doors. When that happens, there is purpose to the series of unfortunate events.

If you are experiencing pain and tragedy, God is doing something new and is carving a pathway through your wilderness. The wasteland is the perfect backdrop for a beautiful new landscape to be created. That series of unfortunate events can lead to a whole new exciting chapter!

You Just Never Know....

As a Professional Counselor, I was trained to understand the human brain and behavior. I was trained to have a "poker face," so that when clients share their shocking or horrific stories, I can remain calm and in control. I was trained to leave my work at work, and NOT to bring it home.

On the other hand, I was born with a big heart for other people.  I was given a gift of compassion and a desire to be kind and love people. I find such fulfillment in helping others.

So, how can these two realities coexist? How can I be a professional who leaves her work at work, maintains a professional appearance and yet remain true to who I naturally am as a person?

Since this blog is all about confessions...well I must confess, I have found this to be quite the struggle this week. There are a few clients who worry about, when I am not at work. There have been many times I have awakened in the middle of the night concerned about my clients. Last night was one of those nights..

Yesterday at our office, we received news that a teenage girl from a High School here in Parker committed suicide. A room full of counseling professionals were stunned, saddened and sickened. I began to comb through my list of clients, hoping and praying it wasn't one of mine. Thankfully, it was not, but I still had to leave my office and walk around to compose myself. As I walked outside, I sobbed as I thought about the young girl who took her own life. How was it that she felt so alone and so hopeless that she resorted to suicide? More questions followed as I thought about my caseload and wondered if I am doing enough as a therapist. Do I provide enough empathy? Should I try different techniques? Are any of my patients on the verge of taking their own lives? What more can I do to ensure none of my clients take their own lives?

I continued to wrestle with these questions the rest of the day and evening. Finally, I came to this conclusion: you just never know. I have studied suicide and read stories from people who contemplated taking their own life. Many reported that if ONE person smiled at them on the day they planned to kill themselves, they didn't follow through with the suicide on that day.

I am a competent professional, trained to help people with mental health issues, but it may not be enough. Still, the news of this suicide puts my job into perspective and motivates me to check my issues at the door, and to be ready to fully engage with my clients. Yes, there is that part of me that wants to throw my hands up and say, "forget it," but somehow I cannot. Why? Because I just never know when one of my clients may be on the verge, and that somehow being able to spend an hour in a safe place with a caring person could make the difference.

You may not be a professional counselor, but everyday you encounter people who are hurting and who are on the brink. Just a smile, a kind word or a little help may be just enough to keep them from following through with a plan to take their own life. It may sound dramatic and maybe I'm a little raw from some tough cases this week and from the heart wrenching news of a teen girl who felt she had no hope.

Still, you just never know.... So may we all be reminded to be kind, smile at a stranger, help a Mom at the store who is juggling four kids, take time to listen to a lonely elderly gentleman who wants to tell a story. Never with hold love and never be afraid to tell those people in your life how you feel. Because you just never know....

My name is Angie and these are my confessions....

It's Just a Miscarriage..

Miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss...These are three common terms used by the medical field to explain the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. All three words cause pain in my heart, even after several years. Why? Because I lost three babies to miscarriage. Some people think miscarriages are no big deal. Miscarriage is so "common," that most women don't properly grieve the loss of their babies.

Infertility is something I struggled with for years, and getting pregnant seemed impossible, but it happened. The joy in my heart was abundant when after two pregnancy losses, I became pregnant once again. The pregnancy progressed, and I was considered high risk. I had blood work, and several ultrasounds which confirmed the pregnancy to be viable and healthy. At 12 weeks, my Doctor encouraged me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Somehow I could not and intuitively knew something was wrong. I went in to my doctor for an another ultrasound and at 14 weeks, my worst fears were confirmed. The beautiful baby I had seen on the ultrasound monitor so many times, alive and kicking, with a beating heart was no longer alive. My doctors were dumbfounded and I sobbed on the table in disbelief.

This past Saturday, August 17, was my due date and my daughter Grace Faith would have been have six years old. Each year I go to a special place alone and release Happy Birthday balloons to her and to the other two babies I lost. It may seem weird to some that I choose to remember this date and commemorate such an event, but for me, it is healing.

You may wonder why I am writing about this issue? Over the years, my heart has hurt as many women who were aware of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage, also shared their stories. Many also share how old their children would be, if they had been carried full term. When I lost my babies, people told me "it's just a miscarriage." I'm sure these "well meaning" people did not understand the sting their words held. For me and countless other women, it was never "just a miscarriage." These babies were real. Our bodies changed, and we knew of that sweet precious angel in our wombs. Many (like me) had the privilege of seeing the baby's heart beat and move around during ultrasounds. Either way, our sweet babies were real and we loved them.

If you lost a baby to miscarriage, your pain and your loss are real. It is okay to remember your due date and to think about what that child would have looked like. It is perfectly acceptable to commemorate your loss. Your child was real and your love for that baby was genuine.

I invite you to share your story, if you would like. You can share it here, or if you would like to do so in private, feel free to email me at: angiedhamp@gmail.com. Our babies should not be forgotten and thankfully, we have the joy of knowing they are in Heaven waiting for us!

Why I LOVE My Birthday!

Some people dread their birthdays and feel sad and depressed about getting older. Maybe I am weird, but I love my birthday! Today has been a great day so far and I feel extremely blessed. Thank you to all my friends and family who wished me a Happy Birthday. It means so much and each text, phone call, and Facebook post has made me smile and feel very special.

I started a new tradition today as I woke up to year 39. I made a list of 38 great blessings in my life and on this list I included some really cool things God did in the 38th year of my life. I will share a few of them with you.

1. My relationship with God - I have to admit this relationship has been a roller coaster over the last two years. I have questioned God about so many things and tried to understand and find Him in the midst of heartache, heartbreak and trial. What I have concluded is that understanding God and His ways rarely gets us anywhere. Instead, I am learning to simply surrender and let Him move in my life the way He wants.  I am thankful for God's grace as He has listened to many rants, raves and heard a whole lot of cuss words from me over the last few years. God is good!

2. My Boys - I often brag on Noah and Caleb, but they are incredible! My boys endured huge changes in their lives over the last two years, yet they are happy and healthy. I won't go so far as to say that things have been perfect; parenting them has presented challenges. Noah and Caleb are loyal, caring, kind and generous. They have a heart for other people and I have no doubt both of my boys will do incredible things in their lifetime.

3. My Friends - Wow! I am blessed with the most incredible friends. My friends have different backgrounds, career paths and personalities, but the one thing all of them have in common is that they have huge hearts. My friends have listened to me cry, endured angry rants, made me laugh until I spewed liquid out of my nose, and kicked my butt! I am so grateful for these people who have stuck it out with me and cheered me on in my journey.

4. My Job - I love my jobs! My work as a therapist brings me life and I feel so honored to walk with people along the most difficult journey. I work with an incredible team of therapists who make me a better therapist. I also count it an honor to teach Psychology courses, and love watching my students grasp concepts. My jobs rock!

5. My Big Loud Laugh - I love to laugh and laugh loud. I am so thankful that even in the midst of difficulty, I did not lose my very warped sense of humor. I laugh a lot and this brings me life. I am sorry if I ever hurt your ears. :).

6. Healing - I think the theme of my 38th year was healing. This healing hasn't come without hard work, many tears and sheer determination. God has done incredible healing in my heart, mind and soul. If you have gone through a horrible trial, choose forgiveness. Choose to let God heal your heart and never, ever let bitterness take root. You will never go wrong by choosing forgiveness. Choose freedom and choose healing!

To all of you who have prayed for me and my boys, I want to say THANK YOU!! Those prayers and encouraging words sustained us and I am happy to say that we are doing well. I would so appreciate your continued prayers. Thank you for being my friends and for loving me. You helped make my 38th year pretty amazing. I am so stoked about year 39!! I have no doubt I will be able to quickly list 39 incredible blessings next year as I approach....Holy cow, I'll be 40!! (excuse me as I deal with a few heart palpitations). Well, for now I'm still 39 and I will live it to the fullest.

Okay, isn't time for something birthday cake and ice cream? My name is Angie and these are my confessions...

Happy Birthday, Noah!

I always cry on my boys' birthdays. When you have a baby, everyone tells you to enjoy every minute because it goes so fast. That is so true! Today, I woke up and tears filled my eyes as I realized that my son Noah, is 15. Where did the time go? As a way to honor my amazing Noah, I would like to tell you just how special he is.

Noah came into this world as a tiny baby boy. The labor and delivery were very difficult, but he emerged, chord around the neck, weighing just 5 lbs. 2 oz. He was very small, but grew and thrived. From the beginning moments of his life, he loved the drums. His Dad, Jon, played drums in our church and he would sit Noah on his lap while he played. Most babies would be terrified of that kind of noise, but Noah loved it! Noah was an easy baby and brought such joy to our home.

One of the most joyful memories I have of Noah was when he turned three. He loved Buzz Lightyear and one day, as I told him I loved him, this is how he responded. "Mom, I love you to infinity and beyond!" I laughed and cried because he was so cute! He still tells me he loves me to infinity and beyond, everyday.

Most Moms dread the teenage years, but Noah has been incredible. He has his moments, as do most teenage boys, but He is growing into a quite the young man. Noah is kind and has a heart so big, especially for the underdog. His whole life, he has reached out to other kids that were left out and sought to make them feel included.

Noah is introverted and quiet, but when he talks, I listen. This is because he usually has something  profound to say and extends wisdom beyond his years, that leaves me speechless. It's amazing to me how a young man his age can have such pearls of wisdom and can cut to the heart of an issue with just a few words. What a gift!

Noah's name means, "a gift from God, who will bring peace." He has truly lived up to his name and his presence in our home brings peace and laughter. Noah gives the most amazing hugs and his handsome smile lights up the room. I am blessed to be his Mom and thank God that He gave me a tiny gift named Noah, 15 years ago.

Happy Birthday, Noah Jonathan Hamp! I hope today is filled with joy, laughter and incredible memories. You are a gift my son, and I am blessed and honored to be your Mom. I love you to infinity and beyond!!

It's Okay To Be Fire Spittin Mad!

I'm slowly coming along with writing my new book, "Flowers in the Desert: A 90-Day Survival Guide For Those Who Have Experienced Tragedy." Below is one of the survival tips and an excerpt from the book. Thank you for all of your support and prayers as I write this book!

Survival Tip #13 – It’s Okay to Be Fire Spitting Mad!

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. (Ephesians 4:26-27, The Message)

Anger is an emotion that is very powerful. Most people are afraid of anger, and rightly so, because it can be destructive. After tragedies, we experience a full range of emotions. Sadness, fear, and guilt are some of the most common emotions people experience, following a tragedy. Anger is also an emotion we feel, but most often, we push it down, instead of allowing the emotion to manifest. 

Anger is normal. It is one of the major emotions and it is okay for you to feel anger! Anger is also part of the stages of grief, which demonstrates that feelings of anger are very normal. In fact, anger is an emotion that is essential for you to express. The reason is because anger cuts to the quick of the gammit of emotions, and gives you the lighter fluid to express many of the feelings and thoughts you feel too guilty, to articulate. 

Typically, we will talk about 90% of what we feel, but we hold back 10%. You may think that it’s pretty good if you talk about 90% of what you feel, but the problem is that the real stuff and the heart of what you’re feeling, hides in the 10%. This small part is where resentment, bitterness and hopelessness, hide and grow. Before you know it, the 10% becomes the 90%, if not dealt with. This is where anger comes in and gives you permission to deal with that 10%. 

A few weeks after my tragedy, we moved out of our house. I found some dishes that I never used and had an idea to express my anger. I involved my boys in this process and together, we took sharpies and wrote what we were angry about on the dishes. Then, we took turns throwing the dishes at the wall, in our garage. It was incredibly cleansing to throw the dishes with every bit of force we had, and watch them shatter. We cheered each other on and this became a very connecting event that allowed us to fully express our anger. After all of the dishes had been sufficiently broken, we all felt better and lighter. There was something about this exercise that fueled my motivation. From that day forward, I felt a resilience and desire to get through my tragedy and be a better person. I vowed not to be bitter and that day was life-changing for me. 

Maybe you have some old dishes at home you can break. If not, go to a thrift shop, and buy some dishes. Get a sharpie and write everything you are angry about on the dishes. Then, find a place to smash them and shatter them. Another suggestion to express your anger is to write down everything you are mad about and then either burn or rip the papers into shreds. The point is, to get your anger out and allow yourself to feel and deal with the thoughts and feelings, you have been too afraid to express. 

Giving yourself permission to be angry is crucial in your process. Today’s Scripture verse gives you permission to be angry. It also gives important pieces of wisdom as well. 

1.    Be angry because it serves a purpose.

2.    Don’t seek revenge.

3.    Don’t stay in an angry state.

4.    Don’t go to bed angry

5.    Don’t let anger become a foothold in your life. 

Tragedy places us on a path, and although it isn’t the path we would have chosen; nevertheless, it is our path. We can choose to heal, or we can sit down on the path and refuse to move. Inevitably, we all get stuck and taking one more step on our path can seem difficult. Anger can kick us in the pants and provide cleansing and motivation to continue, if handled in the right way. 

Go ahead and be angry, but make sure that anger is cleansing and is fuel to move you along in your journey. DO NOT stay angry and DO NOT allow anger to take residence in your heart. If expressed in the right way, anger can plow a path to get you back on track toward healing. 

Hmmm..maybe I need some anger management classes? My name is Angie, and these are my confessions. 

Here's To My Boys!

I am extremely proud of my boys. They are my world and keep me sane. I realize that every parent is proud of their kiddos, but I think I have some pretty special boys. So today, I would like to write just a little bit about Noah and Caleb Hamp.

Noah

 

This is my son, Noah. He will be 15 in July. Noah has the most amazing heart. He is kind, generous, loyal and gives the best hugs. Although he towers over me these days, Noah treats me with respect. He opens doors for me, tells me he loves me, worries about me. Noah has incredible insight and wisdom, beyond his years. The empathy and compassion he has for others, challenges and inspires me. Noah's name means, "a gift from God who will bring peace." Noah is always quick to notice people who are the underdog and seeks to make them feel included. Noah's heart for other people is amazing. He is a treasure!



This is my son, Caleb. He is 12, and is almost as tall as me. As you can see, Caleb has a million dollar smile! He is a firecracker, who is full of energy, but Caleb also has a heart of gold. He has an affinity for fixing things and is quite the handy man around our house. Caleb has incredible work ethic. He started his own poop scoop business last summer and made some great money. Caleb also reaches out to the underdog, and has performed acts of kindness for friends in need, many times. Caleb's name means, "faithful," and you won't find a more loyal or faithful person.



When I look at this picture, my heart sings. I truly am the luckiest Mom in the world. My boys have been through a tough two years, yet they are NOT bitter. They are normal kids and have their moments, as we all do, but they are happy, healthy boys who have a heart for other people. Often, when they hear about other kids whose parents are divorced, they either pray for those kids, or figure out a way to help them.

 

I am proud of my boys. They are strong, young men who don't let circumstances get them down. I have no doubt God has BIG plans for my men of God. I am grateful God entrusted them into my care and pray for wisdom in raising them. I know many of you have prayed for Noah and Caleb over the last two years and I want you to know God has heard those prayers. Please keep praying for them! I am excited to see where life takes them.

 

My testerone-filled house with talks about farts, burps, balls and other strange conversations is one I wouldn't trade for anything. Noah and Caleb, thank you for making my life rock! I love you, to infinity and beyond!

Do It Anyway

It seems that on days I feel particulary feisty and rebellious that a certain saying or Scripture verse will emerge so many times, that I wonder if perhaps God is trying to tell me something? I would like to believe this type of phenomenon is pure coincidence, but when I see it on Facebook, read it in a devotion, hear about it at church, and have a friend share it with me, I can't help but pay attention.

The verse and concept that has haunted me constantly over the last month says, "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.|" (Galatians 6:9, NLT).  This verse should serve as a motivator and spur me to live the way God has called me to, yet this verse comes at a time when I'm weary of doing the "right things."

Last week, I had an amazing pity party and was angry and hurt because someone walked all over me. I felt trampled, taken advantage of and downright ticked! I reasoned that I would no longer be a doormat and that I was done being nice. That's when the haunting began....

I wrestled with my feelings of hurt, my own desires, my pride, and this Scripture. All week, I was bombarded with this verse in every way, shape and form. Even to the point where Martina McBride's song, "Anyway," came on the radio. Gag. The week of haunting came to a head as I attended church and my Pastor, (the amazing John Snyder) spoke on loving, and doing good....Anyway.

As you read this, I imagine you feel the tightness in your chest. You probably feel conflicted as you envision the many times you've "done good," only be to be walked all over. Maybe you too, have vowed to stop being so nice, and put up walls of protection, so that you are no longer anyone's DOORMAT!

Now that you are all riled up, I'll share some of my conclusions. You are welcome to take them or leave them, but in all honesty, the "haunting" might commense for you too. (Sorry).

Perhaps you loved someone with everything in you, and they shattered your heart. Maybe you showed kindess to someone who has been hurtful many times. It's possible you've spent the majority of your life "doing good," only to find that you seem to be on the short end of the stick, most of the time. At this point, you may be tempted to have your own pity party and declare you are no longer a doormat. Well, you're welcome to do that, but I propose something else.

Love, ANYWAY. Be kind, ANYWAY. Do good...ANYWAY. Why? Because doing the "right things," brings a harvest of blessing. Not because you win the lottery, and not because life all of a sudden becomes peachy. Not because someone drops a $500 Nordstrom giftcard on your doorstep (sorry to insert my own dream here). That harvest of blessing comes BECAUSE you chose to do the right things, ANYWAY. Sometimes the greatest blessing in doing the right things is peace. It's being able to lay your head on your pillow, knowing you acted with honor. You will never regret acting with honor.

My fear for myself, and anyone struggling with doing the "right things," is that we will miss out on the greatest of blessings. I've been shattered, and I've been tempted to wall my heart in so tight, that no one will ever hurt me again. (It doesn't mean we allow those who hurt us to continue. Boundaries are okay) Yet when I live as a recluse, not allowing myself to love, I am empty and miserable. It's only when we choose to do the right things (ANYWAY) that we experience the most joy and the harvest of blessing. May we ALL be haunted by this verse and this concept! At the end of the day, no one ever regrets doing the right things. No regrets? Now, there's a blessing!

I'm going to go check my doorstep for that Nordies gift card now.... My name is Angie and these are my confessions.....

Single Moms, aka SuperHeroes!

Many people feel sorry for single moms and tend to look at us with sadness. We don't need  pity because single moms are actually equipped with super powers that other people don’t possess. In fact, we are several superheroes rolled into one.  Single moms are mutants that are a cross between a variety of superheroes, and our species allows us to do what no human can do. Jealous? You should be! We are a rare breed.

Here’s a description of a Single Mom Superhero:

Fix-It Girl - This part of a single mom enables her to fix anything. It is not in a conventional, boring way either. This superpower allows the single mom to use pink power tools and butter knives that work way better than screwdrivers. She fixes things with beauty and class, and makes tool belts and power tools look like the latest fashion statement.

Superwoman – this part of the single mom allows her to leap tall buildings and when her children are in need, she will move heaven and earth to protect, shield and take care of any need, in one swift motion. She does not whine or cry about it, either. Instead, she places her hands on her hips, sticks out her chest and puts her chin up, ready and willing to face the obstacle.

Elastigirl – Life brings twists and turns every day and plans get thwarted. This part of the single mom is so flexible, she can twist and turn around an issue or problem, at least 10 times. If she has to work and take care of a sick child, she will adapt to that schedule with no problem. When curve balls get thrown at her, she catches them in her teeth, spits them out and they become chocolate curve balls.

Catwoman – This part of the single mom is sly, and moves in quiet, stealth motion. She has incredible hearing and when her children are misbehaving or planning something mischievous, she picks up sounds no one can hear. In doing so, she cuts off rascally behavior at the pass and whips the children back into shape with her hissing presence.

Wonder Woman – You’ve heard of the seven wonders of the world, but the wonders the single mom produces are far beyond imagination. She works full-time (more if necessary), comes home after a 10-hour day, cooks gourmet meals, bakes cookies, assists with homework and projects, assures her children have clean clothes and have bathed. She  listens to problems, gives magical hugs, prays, and tucks her children into bed. She completes all of these wonders, knowing no one who will walk through the door to help, and pushes down her own needs and loneliness to ensure every need her children have is met. She truly is a Wonder!

Today, I’m sending a shout out to my Single Mom counterparts. Your job is tough, but you have been equipped with special superpowers. Ladies, place your hands on your hips, let your hair whip in the wind, stick out your chest and put your chin up. Be proud of who you are and what you accomplish every day. We are raising warriors who will change the world. Let’s do this!

Happy Mother’s Day!

One more thing....Reach out to a single mom, this Mother's Day. Buy her flowers, give her a gift card, or buy her a pedicure. Give her a hug, encourage her, and tell her she is a superhero. These small gestures are a huge boost to a single mom superhero. Be warned, though. If you dare to criticize one of my single mom counterparts, or give your best advice, I will be there to whip your eyes out. Just..don't.
 

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions.....

 

 

 

 

The Courtroom of Justice - I Win Everytime!

I am in the thicke of writing my new book, Flowers in the Desert, A 90-Day Survival Guide For Those Who Have Experienced Tragedy. To be honest, this book is very difficult to write and comes from notes and journal entries I made following the first 90 days after my tragedy. Still, I feel compelled to write the book and will press on.

The other day I was writing about entitlement. That word sends a shudder through my veins and yet entitlement is something all of us struggle with. The sense of entitlement seems to wrap itself around peole who have experienced difficulty and yet this is a trap we should avoid. In the months following my tragedy, I took great liberties with entitlement. I felt I had a right to be angry, bitter and do anything I wanted. Afterall, somebody wounded me so didn't I have the RIGHT to also wound and hurt? Ouch.

I'm embarrassed to admit I struggled with entitlement and my right to treat others poorly. There were days I snapped at my kids, cut others off in traffic, and worst yet, allowed myself to spin in my own little courtroom of justice. What is the courtroom of justice? It's a fun little place we go where we are the judge, jury, prosecutor and defense attorney. In our courtroom of justice, we bring opening arguments about the wrong done to us. Next, we defend our actions and justify why we are the victim. Then, the jury sends down a verdict of GUILTY to the party who offended, and the judge slams the gavel and doles out a harsh sentence. It's a WIN/WIN and always gives the same results.

This is what the courtroom of justice gets you. 1. You get to be a victim. 2. You become bitter. 3. the good relationships in your life suffer. 4. you spew hate. 5. your relationship with God suffers or becomes nonexistent. 6. it eats you from the inside out, until you are a hollow shell. Yeah, that sounds like a WIN/WIN...

None of us are entitled to anything. Everyone has experienced some type of tragedy or difficulty and everyone has probably struggled with a sense of entitlement. I know I have. Entitlement has us operate out of a victim mentality and behave in ways that are unhealthy and destructive, all because we are entitled to it. Blame fuels entitlement and yet where does blame get any of us? (Oh yeah..back to the courtroom of justice).

A great strategy to deal with entitlement is introspection. In my situation, I was not blameless. I made mistakes and was far from perfect. As difficult as it is for me to admit, there are things I have to change about myself and character defects that need work. When I focus on my flaws and shortcomings, suddenly that sense of entitlement disappears.

One of my favorite Scriptures says, "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! ( 2 Corinthians 5:17, NLT). I don't know about you, but there are things I would rather just let go of. Instead of spinning in entitlement and the courtoom of justice, may we ALL have the guts to be introspective, change those things about ourselves that need to be stripped away, and experience a NEW LIFE!

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

I Want To Have An Affair!

     Next week I am giving a presentation at my office about how to deal with couples in crisis, following the revelation of an affair. Many therapists won't touch this issue with a ten foot pole, and the reasons are quite obvious. I have my own personal experience in this area, but have also worked with tons of couples around the issue of infidelity and have spent hundreds of hours researching this topic.

     The statistics about infidelity are staggering. Many researchers report 50-60% of people (men AND women) will have an affair sometime during their life. In reality, these numbers are probably low. There are countless articles on "affair proofing your marriage," as well as books about "how to prevent affairs." These articles and books have great information, but I feel there is one major component missing.

Hold on to your hats because I am about to yell.

     SELFISHNESS. This is the root cause of affairs. This is a very obvious component, but is not one often addressed in the materials written about infidelity. Some of the common reasons I hear when I work with couples around this issue are: 1. I wasn't getting my needs met. 2. our marriage was boring. 3. I deserved to have someone make me feel good. SELFISHNESS!!

     When someone, (friends or clients) tell me they are contemplating an affair, or they reveal flirtation with someone else, I engage them in a very traumatic exercise. I have the person tell me all the gloopy, glamourous parts of having an affair. As people visualize the affair, they often become starry-eyed as they talk about how their needs will be met and the excitement that accompanies an affair. Then, I have them tell me what it would be like, to look into the eyes of their children and family members when the affair is exposed. (this is where the starry-eyed look is replaced by a ghost-like, blank stare). I have them imagine sitting on the couch, and telling their children about the affair. Then, I ask them to verbalize what they would say. I told you it was traumatic, yet this exercise is very effective.

     I have a "righteous anger" about this topic. I've dealt with this issue on a personal level and on a professional level and the devastation of an affair is heart-wrenching for all parties involved. If you are contemplating an affair, or playing with fire and engaging in the "grey area," STOP IT! Force yourself to envision the domino effect of an affair and the faces of your children when you  tell them you've had an affair. Envision the loss of your marriage, and your family. It's not pretty. And if you think flirtation is "harmless," and would never lead to an affair, you're well on your way down the slippery slope.

    Today, pause to love your signficant other and when the monster of SELFISHNESS knocks on your door and tells you, "you deserve more," kick it out the door.  Find someone to talk to and although you might feel weird about revealing your temptations, do it anyway.

     Today's blog was hard to write, and it might be met with criticism. I really don't care because if it prevents someone from crossing that line, it is worth it. As I prepare for my presentation at work, I've prayed for the countless people who have survived affairs, as well as the ones contemplating one. If you've survived an affair, I pray God continues to heal you. There is hope! Healing and restoration will happen. If you are contemplating an affair, I pray God softens your heart and you allow Him to protect you from that path.

May we ALL stop and think about the consequences of our actions and abate the parasite of SELFISHNESS.

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

Gag Me With A... (Lessons From the Stomach Bug)

Yesterday I caught a nasty stomach virus. It was a good reminder of a very gross, yet powerful analogy I give my clients in counseling. I must warn you, this analogy is disgusting, but it is one you won't forget!

Everyday we are bombarded with emotions, difficulties, irritations, and so on. Most of us take a deep breath, and move on with the day. That is fine for a time, but as life's problems and trials build up, it becomes increasingly difficult to cope in healthy ways. When I assess a client, one of the first questions I ask about is their support structure. In other words, who in your life, do you have to talk to? Many people do not have adequate (much less) strong support in their lives. The result is that they walk around with a ton of bottled up junk, and are using unhealthy methods to cope with life. Basically, they are walking around with a perpetual stomach virus.

I have yet to meet a person who enjoys vomiting, and yet when we have a stomach virus, our bodies need to expel that virus. Still, we try everything possible to avoid hugging the porcelain throne. We take pepto-bismol, drink sprite, and lay on the couch holding our stomachs, until the inevitable upchuck occurs. What follows vomiting is relief. We feel better for a time, but a typical virus has to run its course, which means more vomiting will occur. Thankfully, these types of viruses do not last forever, and eventually we recover and feel better.

The point of this very gross analogy is that life is hard. You will experience trials, hurt, difficulties, and frustrations. Don't go it alone! Develop a healthy support structure of people who you can handle your "vomit." A word of caution, though. The "vomiting" stage of recovery is only step one of the process.

Step two of dealing with life's stomach virus, requires the development of healthy methods for coping and recovering. Think about the last time you had the stomach virus. After you puked, did you eat a big hamburger, or a piece of chocolate cake? Instead, you most likely ate a few saltine crackers, and drank some sprite. Yet when we experience pain or difficulty, the first things we turn to are not the things that are the best. Excessive alcohol use, overeating, gossip, and unhealthy sex are just some of the coping mechanisms people employ during difficult times. These are the equivalent to scarfing down a hamburger or a piece of chocolate cake to heal the woes of a stomach virus. (I hope your stomach is churning right now).

Instead, surround yourself with a few friends you can confide in. Vomit out your woes, but don't let it stop there. Continue your recovery process by implementing healthy methods for dealing with life's stomach virus. Here are few suggestions:

1. Prayer
2. Read your Bible (for crying out loud)
3. Exercise - (don't roll your eyes. a long walk never hurt anyone)
4. Talk to someone you trust (who won't just tell you what you want to hear).
5. Go to Counseling (I'm a counselor, so I had to throw that one in there).
6. Change Negative Thought Patterns - this one is powerful. I challenge you to write down three negative thoughts you have on a continual basis. When these thoughts bombard you, STOP thinking them, and instead counteract that pattern with something positive.

Purging is never fun, but it is necessary. Our bodies have natural mechanisms that purge the system of a virus. Unfortunately, the healthy mechanisms needed to deal with emotional difficulties are not natural, and must be developed and intentional. Our bodies give off physical signals that warn us we need to take care of emotional angst. Next time you feel anxious, irritated, angry, or sad, let this serve as a signal that life's emotional stomach virus has paid you a visit, and it is time to purge. Instead of turning to unhealthy methods of coping, look to your new and improved healthy strategies!

I'm starving! I think I'll go have a hamburger and some chocolate cake. My name is Angie, and these are my confessions.....

Stupid, Stupid Vacuum

As a single woman, I am strong and independent. I juggle three jobs, am raising two amazing boys, take care of my house and yes, I know how to check the oil in my car. I feel like I do a decent job of juggling all the balls in life, until something breaks in my house.

Lately, a lot of things have been breaking. Take for example, my vacuum cleaner. The other day was a rough one. I had a tough day at work and in addition to everything else, I have some big decisions to make, so I was feeling a little stressed out. One way I deal with stress is by cleaning. (No, I will not come clean your house). I came home from work and decided to vacuum. That plan was soon thwarted, as a hideous screeching noise emerged from my pretty, purple vacuum cleaner. I rolled my eyes, flipped the vacuum over and noticed it was not rotating. This is typically the moment where I get a tight feeling in my chest because I am so not great at fixing things, but I was determined to figure this out. So, I grabbed my handy dandy tool chest and set to work on the vacuum. 30 minutes later, I had taken the vacuum cleaner apart, but could not get it to work properly. This is the point where I so eloquently yelled, "STUPID, STUPID VACUUM," and kicked it across the room.

The ridiculousness did not end there as I reasoned that somehow me kicking the vacuum across the room might have fixed it. It did not. So, I did what any woman in her right mind would. I grabbed my stash of chocolate, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I cried it out, ate a lot of chocolate, all while sitting by the stupid, stupid vacuum cleaner.

Maybe you have had one of those days and can relate. It's a day where you've put out fire after fire, smiled when you felt like frowning, graciously helped others, and gotten through. Then, you get home only to find there are a million more things waiting to be completed, not the least of which is a stupid, stupid (broken) vacuum cleaner. It is the little things that seem to get us, isn't it?

After I finished my crying and chocolate eating session, I picked up my devotion for the day. The main Scripture for that day was this: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I couldn't help but laugh (a little like a crazy woman) at the humor of God. So, I sat next to the stupid, stupid vacuum, ate some more chocolate, and thanked God for everything I could think of.

Then, it dawned on me that I had a second vacuum, I never used. Who has a second vacuum? Apparently I do! I put the stupid, stupid vacuum away in my garage and pulled out the other vacuum, (which is not stupid) and happily vacuumed my floors.

It's the little things in life that get us, but it is also the little things in life that make us. Stopping to be thankful, even in the midst of difficulty, somehow clears our thinking to remember life is still good and there truly is SO much to be thankful for. I still don't like the stupid, stupid vacuum...

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions....

I Did Everything Right!! (but bad things still happened)

It should be simple. Do what you are supposed to do, and nothing bad will happen to you. If only life would cooperate and fit into the little mold, we humans have constructed.

I have always been a rule follower. As a child, my Mom taught me that I could not play outside until ALL the chores were done. In school, I was a compliant student who obeyed my teachers. I followed my parents standards, and was not a rebellious teenager. The authorities in my life taught me this one simple rule: Do what you are supposed to do, and good things will come to you. (Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic).  At the very least, follow the rules, and you'll greatly reduce the chances of bad things happening.

This little plan was thwarted early on in my life when my dad died. I was only 18. I remember questioning God, but kept skipping along, doing all the right things. As I look back, I adopted the mentality, early on, that if I do all the right things, and follow all the rules, then maybe God will keep me in a bubble and protect me from the Big Bad Wolf.

I see others living by my same philosophy. You hear stories all the time of people who did all the right things, and yet still had horrible things happen to them. There's the guy who ate all organic, exercised, yet still developed cancer. There's the woman who did everything she was supposed to during her pregnancy, yet her baby was born was a birth defect. The list could go on and on, as everyday we hear of tragedies.

When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to click back through the list of things we did right, and the things we did wrong. We spin in this cycle and bargain about how "this should have never happened." It's as if we think that we can change the circumstance, simply by completing this cycle of insanity. Sadly, many people spin in this insane cycle and never get out of it.

We have this endless need to control life. Mostly because we live in fear of the "bad things." Yet, what are we really in control of? Not much! I wish I could give you the neat little formula so that bad things didn't happen to you. I so wish I could say, "do this, do that, and don't do this, and nothing bad will happen." I can't. At the risk of sounding all preachy, (like I have it figured out) I would like to tell you what keeps me from diving off the cliff.

SURRENDER. I surrender to God, at least 500 times a day. The good old Serenity Prayer keeps me sane. Then I think about what I CAN control. Taking those 10 million rogue thoughts captive, is a constant battle and yet that is where the battle is won.

In the end, we can do everything right, yet bad things will still happen. It's a sad thought, yet where would we be if we didn't seek to "do everything right?" I shudder to think! After letting myself run through the insanity spin cycle of "why did this happen," I am going to keep doing my part. I know that bad things will still happen, but ALOT of good things happen too! In fact, as I look back over the tragedies in my life, I see many good things.

I hope you will allow yourself to reflect on the good that has come from the bad. It certainly won't make us excited about impending difficulties, but perhaps a small shift in perspective can give us all the motivation to keep doing the right things.

My name is Angie, and these are my confessions..

No More Hiding, No More Shame

Many of you know my story and are probably curious about the latest scoop on the ex-pastor and the ex-pastor's wife. We are human afterall, and desire to know the juicy details of a such a scandal. I'll give the nutshell version.

Almost two years ago, I discovered my husband (who was a pastor) was having an affair. I exposed the affair, he resigned, we separated for six months, tried to reconcile and eventually divorced. We share 50/50 custody of our children and have an amicable relationship. We have exchanged forgiveness and are both on a path of healing.

I'm sure I have left you with a thousand questions and you're dying to know more, but you won't get it. Why? Because I'm tired of living in that identity. Instead, I would really like to be known for much more than the scorned woman who lost her life in a matter of 12 hours.

I am still very much on a journey to discover my identity. I'm not bitter, I have no regrets and I'm taking it one day at a time. I am strong, independent and capable. I cry alot, but I also laugh. I love life, even though the fairytale turned into a nightmare. I am optimistic and believe there is more.

I've been in hiding for over a year. Why? Because I've struggled with deep shame. Most do not know what to do with women like me. One day you're a wife, mother, and pastor's wife. The next you're "that pastor's wife whose husband cheated." People avoided me and I avoided them. I couldn't bear the looks of pity or the "how are you" questions anymore. (For the record, I hate that question! What the heck are you supposed to say anyway)

I have no idea what this blog will hold. I just know that writing was an outlet for me and I miss it. I just want people to know that even if you go through the most horrific experience (maybe the one you most feared) you will get through it. God will get you through it and even though you may be bruised and scarred, you CAN get through it and be better.

I would like to say, I'm coming out or I'm back, but that's just weird. Instead, I'll end this blog by saying that it feels good to stop hiding and to release shame.

My name is Angie. I'm an ex-pastors wife, and these are my confessions.